Procrastination Post

I'm writing this because I don't feel like doing my homework that was due yesterday. And yesterday's due date was an extension from not turning it in two weeks ago, so that makes it double late.... Oops. I rolled out of bed and saw my nurse practitioner today, I see her weekly. Since I have a kidney disease, ED could potentially be very damaging, so apparently it's necessary to check in on me every week. She's in contact with my psychologist who I also see weekly. I'm back to my ultimate low weight (yay) and she was notttttt happy, I think I sensed pity from her.

ANYWAYS, she very bluntly told me the facts of the situation and her opinion concerning everything. To summarize her lecture:

1. Outpatient treatment has not been working and my ED has progressed abnormally quickly behaviorally/mentally, averagely physically.

2. I will not pass my classes next semester if it keeps up.

3. My kidneys will be irreversibly damaged, leading to prednisone (steroid treatment which I've already been on, worst time period of my life) or some other intense meds, a biopsy, and/or eventual failure.

4. Over Christmas break I should do several days of inpatient treatment followed by intensive outpatient.

While she explained this all to me, I stared at her legs and thought about how much I envied the fact her thighs are smaller than mine. Then I was pissed that the person monitoring my eating disorder is thinner than I am because that makes me suck at being disordered. I am SO NOT ANYWHERE NEAR THIN ENOUGH FOR TREATMENT. Nooooooo thanks. If I lose A LOT more and I'm still unsatisfied THEN we can talk.

EDIT: It's like three hours later and I still haven't done anything. Whattttttt the hell is wrong with me. All I want to do is read about calories and workouts and make goal weights and rewards and live in a stupid weird bubble. Now I'm all emotional, upset, and anxious.

I should be blossoming right now, I should be pushing myself and achieving and being extraordinary. Instead, I'm hiding from life, shielding myself behind this stupid eating disorder bullshit. It's WEIGHT. It's my physical BODY. It's FOOD. It's my OUTTER APPEARANCE why do I care so much? That makes me vain and selfish and shallow. I'm irresponsible and wasting air and people's emotions and time. And lately I have this horrible re-occuring thought "Who could possibly love this" because the scary and damaged factor is steadily increasing. I just want to be tiny tiny tiny so I actually look like I have ED and I don't feel like a fraud and a loser and I'll be happy and I can disappear and sink away and feel my bones and be breakable.

I want someone to hold me tell me stories so I don't have to talk at all.

Fuck You

Right now I'm so incredibly ANGRY. I'm just a moody disaster, please compare yesterday's post to this one to see how manic I'm being. I'm sorry for the profanity here but it's really all I can think of. I was at 165 cal at 6 pm and then around 8 had a mini binge. Threw up what I could. And now I can't focus on my huge project due tomorrow, I just am so disappointed at myself. So ANGRY at myself. So ANGRY I feel like this. FUCK THIS DAY.

Fuck you to A for saying I had a beer belly in eighth grade.

Fuck you to K for saying I had thunder thighs sophomore year during volleyball practice.

Fuck you to M for saying I had gained weight over the semester last year.

Fuck you to S for saying my legs were thick this past August.

These were all comments that were word-vomited up, quickly realized to be offensive, and attempted to be covered by 'I'm just kidding!'. No. Fuck you. Saying these comments out loud to my psychologist made me cry for the entire session, which is so silly. Those words are meaningless. For whatever reason they cut me deep. And finally, a huge, gigantic, FUCKKKK YOUUUUU to myself for letting this happen and being so weak and so huge and such a failure mess and slowly ruining everything.

Oops........

PS: I don't blame these people at all, it's 100% my own fault, I just have pent up anger and keep thinking about how much those statements hurt when they shouldn't at all and how stupid I'm being.

350 Calories

I finished today at 350 calories, yesterday between 400-500. Probably less for both days, but I always add extra to make sure I'm not cheating. I'm so satisfied and happy and can't wait to restrict again tomorrow. The war has been alleviated, and even if it's just for a few days I'll take it!

I'm coming for you 110 ;)

Feels Like Home

Today, I'm back at school, in my own apartment. It's wonderful, I'm at 350 calories and it's 12:40 pm. And I feel lovely. I can feel the lack of attention and spaciness setting in, but I welcome it with open arms. I love restricting. Being away from it the past week has made me really appreciate it, distance really does make the heart grow fonder I guess. ED thoughts? I'm well aware. Doesn't make them any less valid. 

This warm embrace of ED really screws me over in school. It's so hard to put the effort in I need to, but I'm pushing myself regardless. I need to get through this semester. One phase of life at a time. One day at a time. One meal time at a time.

I forgot to give you all a huge thanks for your advice concerning anti-depressants. THANK YOU! :) As of right now, I'm feeling leaps and bounds better mood wise. We'll see how things go over the next few weeks before I make any decisions.

Have a happy week!

ED Cocktail

It's been way too long since an entry, sorry if I've left anyone hanging!

I've been avoiding posting because the ED in my life is confusing and I don't even know what I think about it anymore. Previously it's been all about restriction restriction restriction, and some minimal exercise.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GUYS DEAL WITH LIVING WITH PARENTS OR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS. Man, so much respect to you all. After a week of being home with my parents for Thanksgiving break I had to completely give up restricting. They're monitoring what I eat, going out to eat, fixing 'family dinners'... obviously Thanksgiving meals with extended family were a nightmare as well. Ughhhhhh!

Needless to say I had to adjust my habits to keep from having a major breakdown. Previously, I've had little success with purging and never considered it as a way to keep thin. Something clicked since I've been home, and it's begun an interesting battle. I'm still trying to restrict because I prefer the controlled calm it gives me. However, if I feel guilty now after consuming something, off to the bathroom I go and vomit it up. I feel accomplished in a sick way, and I know I have to be very strict with myself so I don't get sucked into the whirlpool of purging. I've also started extreme exercising, pushing myself to 10 mile distances a day.

Basically I'm in a weird phase of restricting when possible, purging, and extreme exercising. A weird ED cocktail. I really don't like it, it's not simple and comforting like restriction. Hoping to get back to normal when I get back to school tomorrow. Overall though, I feel AMAZING mentally. No feelings of depression, or wasting away, or failure... Hopefully it keeps up.

I hope you all have been doing okay, I hope to catch up on blogs later. Much love :)

Body Trade In?

I am just so sick of my body, so uncomfortable in my skin. I want to trade it in for a better one. GIVE ME A NEW ONE.

I'm living by guilt. My roommate/best friend now pays attention to calories. God that makes me feel sick. I don't think she'll fall into this like I have, but the fact that I took away her freedom makes me hate myself. I pray pray pray that's as far as things go for her. I'm guilty my roommates have to worry about me, and my doctors, and my parents. That's not fair. They didn't do anything to deserve having to deal with my issues. I want to tell my kiddos at the center to love themselves, and their bodies, and I do, but I know I'm being extremely hypocritical and it makes me feel guilty. I'm not doing my schoolwork. (guilty) I'm not as thoughtful about others. (guilty) I'm letting my relationships slide away. (guilty) I'm not going to church or praying at all anymore. (guilty) AND DESPITE ALL OF THESE NEGATIVES, I'M NOT LOSING ANY WEIGHT. NEW BODY NOW PLEASE.

And if I can't have a new body, I'd like to pause the rest of the world until I get to where I'm satisfied. Then life can resume. Unrealistic wishes :)

Happy Thursday, hope your thoughts are lovelier than mine.

Edit: My psychologist and primary care doctor talked and want to put me on anti-depressants. Thoughts? I have no idea what to do.

Don't Feel Obligated to Read... Boring

I was going to save this rant for my personal writing journal, but I can't find it...? Somewhat worrisome, I hope no one sees it and reads it.

The reason I wasn't going to blog this is because it's so typical and boring of an ED blog but I really have to get my thoughts down and organized. I feel so FAT right now. Ugh. I ate SO MUCH when I was home this past weekend. Today I restricted, worked out, then stopped at friend's for her birthday. Told myself I wouldn't eat. Ate... ate a TON. Of chocolate and cake and bread. I ran to the bathroom to purge after, did a small amount once, but knew I had to get out before my roommate who had come with me noticed. AND I didn't even restrict all of the weekdays the last week. I was finally at a new low for weight and I let it slip so fast and so far. I haven't weighed myself, I seriously can't handle the emotions that will accompany the number I'm estimating.

I feel horrible though. So so so heavy and gross and fat and unattractive. Just laden with self-loathing. Goals this week:

1. Restrict! Under 500 calories. If I go over, I have to exercise the amount doubled off.
2. Eat regularly. New strategy to keep from binging. This consumption will occur as a 'lunch' and a 'night snack' and will only be lettuce and/or berries.
3. Follow my training plan. I decided to keep myself from compulsive exercising, I should try to stick to a plan. I found a half marathon plan for beginners that seems completely doable.
4. No junk foods. If I ate 100 calories and it's 8 pm, that does not warrant a disgusting candy bar. Don't be glutenous.

New ideas:
- Thinspo pictures everywhere
- Remind myself how much happier I am when I'm thin

I hate how I fluctuate between hating food, hating chewing food, hating the idea of food and then bouncing back to needing to limit myself because I want food. Why so inconsistent?

Sorry to waste your time with such a lame post.

Scary and Damaged

"If you knew me... ...the scary and damaged may actually be more than you can handle." 

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

I know I'm far from having severe ED in my life, and things could be far, far worse for me than they are now. I'm somewhat healthy, I have supportive parents, a few good friends, jobs, aspirations, school, etc.... However, I'm starting to realize I'm seeing myself as 'scary and damaged'. What person would possibly want to deal with the things going on in my life right now?

What boy wants to date a girl that has to be looking up calories on her phone when they go out to eat? What girl wants to be friends with someone who isn't confident enough to look people in the eye? Who would ever want to nurture any sort of relationship with someone who is sick, depressed, and starving themselves? I can see people giving up on me. People ask me to do something, I respond that I have too much to do or I'm too tired. They try again, similar outcome. 

I see myself as a package too scary, damaged, and overwhelming for anyone to take on. So instead, I'm hiding myself away and pushing those trying to reach me. I know I shouldn't, and severing these interactions are just making things worse. But I'm scary and I'm damaged. No one deserves to deal with that except for me.

Being home this weekend absolutely sucked, not even going to look at the scale. I'm wayyy too tired today to hate myself.

Desire

Photo by Laura Zelenga

Before this, I never would've found her body attractive. Now, I find this beautiful, inspiring... I want it.

I have an intense fascination cultivating: bones. I want them to be visible, I want to be able to feel them through my skin, I want them to be as exposed as possible. I want to be frail and delicate. My entire life I have been unsatisfied with my body, but this image was never an appealing one. Interesting how ED changes everything.

Somehow, 'sick' has been transformed into 'beautiful' and something I desire. I've dropped a bra cup size, and I couldn't be happier about it. I'm literally starving away my femininity, and finding it strangely rewarding.

Zac Brown Band played at a venue in Madison last night, and they came to the bar I work at after the show. After we closed, the band stayed and the employees got to drink with them. Zac actually convinced me to take a body shot, and out of drunkeness I allowed it to happen... he told me my body was beautiful. At the time I believed him, funny how alcohol makes you vulnerable. Today when I remembered that happened, I started crying knowing my coworkers and people in general saw my stomach exposed. God that's appalling, I'm embarrassing. I hate my bodyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

116

Despite a mini-binge yesterday on homemade rice crispy bars at the after school center and half a chocolate bar, I made myself run 6 miles yesterday and I'm so tired today.

But I'm 116, new low. Officially 18.2 for a BMI. Underweight.
I still think BMI is bogus.

1 more pound until my short term goal.

Uncomfortable

THIS IS HOW I FEEL. I hope you understand, there aren't really words.

Since I was maybe 13, I've been paranoid about people talking behind my back and judging me. Freshman year of high school, I felt targeted and pushed away from the peers I most wanted acceptance from. When I realized they didn't like me, I started being meticulously aware of their actions when I was around: the glances, expressions, tones, the way I could see them talk to one another across the room and shift their eyes towards me. I hated it. My self-esteem diminished while self-doubt moved in and never left. This paranoia lead to a serious mis-trust in everyone, even my best friends.

I would search my parents' drawers for who knows what. As a junior in high school I watched my boyfriend type his Facebook password so later I could scour his messages. At one of my jobs, where I bartend, I was watching two people conversing and they both glanced at me, so I assumed they were talking about me. Positive or negative, who knows, but I do know my stomach dropped immediately and I had to go to the bathroom to check my appearance. NEVER have my intentions been nosiness, I've just been persuaded over time that everyone I know has something bad to say about me.

I'm so uncomfortable with myself... That's the only word to use. I'm not sure why I'm writing about this today, I've just realized how petrified of judgement I am. I act confident, and put myself out there, but the entire time I experience stress that lies dangerous close to my breaking point. Perhaps that intense pressure is how I miraculously succeed as often as I do. Uncomfortable.

Weight: back to my ultimate low today, pushhhhing through this week. Pushpushpush. I can do this. I ran 5 miles by interval training in around 55 minutes. Felt awesome.

The photo above is by Elena Kalis, I strongly encourage you to check out her work. So much beauty it hurts a little.

 Elena Kalis's Website

Happy Humpday :)

Grocery Store Freak

What a freak I must look like when I go out to purchase food.

I went to the grocery store to buy tea. I got my tea, and before leaving, decided I should get groceries as well because my cupboards are pretty close to bare. I spent an obnoxious amount of time there. Going through EVERY isle, EVERY shelf, madly searching for something that looks low-cal, picking the product up to read the nutrition, making a disgusted face, putting it back, trying another... this process went on, over and over and over for around two hours. And this isn't a normal sized grocery store, it's a very small one on campus. I'm sure the employees thought I was crazy. Every ten minutes I would look at the selection in my basket I had deemed acceptable, and decide that one had 20 too many calories, and shove it back on a shelf. It was absolutely ridiculous. The whole time I felt uneasy, probably because I felt surrounded by things I've constantly been telling myself are 'bad'. The other day I stopped at Walgreens to pick up a prescription and spent an entire twenty minutes at the chocolate section in the candy isle trying to find some sort of chocolate I felt okay eating. 20 minutes of reading labels and scrutiny and obsession in a five foot area. ...Seriously Taylor?

Today I ended up buying rice cakes, Popchips (WHICH ARE AMAZING, AND 20 OF THEM ARE 120ish CALORIES) and some spices. And a Lean Cuisine for today's major consumption. So after about two hours of craziness, that's what I ended up with. It's snowing today, it's cold and sad and empty.

Unrelated, if I don't push myself and invest some SERIOUS time into school I'm going to screw myself over. Exams are soon, I need to apply to the Education program... I've let it slip away the last few weeks. All I want to do is sit and think and write and read and look at art and watch Grey's Anatomy. Prime example, I should be in class right now...... hmph.

And with that, have a lovely day. 

Push Push Push

The past three weeks, I've fluctuated the same damn four pounds :( I haven't dropped at all. My obsessing, anxiety, starvation, and binging has lead me in a depressing circle. When this started I lost so quickly... why am I stuck here now?

I'm extra motivated to push myself this week to see results. I hate this weight. I hate this weight! I like the way my clothes feel. I like the way my legs look. But I'm not happy, and I want more gone, I need more gone. Otherwise I'll continue to feel like I have the last three weeks: mediocre, mundane, unsuccessful, wasted. While I'm excited I somehow mustered this extra ambition (since ambition elsewhere in my life has gone out the window) I'm stressed and guilt-ridden about seeing my doctor/psychologist/nutritionist. I'll cancel the appointments and deal with it later. I refuse to tackle the idea of gaining right now, so naturally I'm going in the opposite direction (sarcasm). I can't possibly gain without wanting to abandon my body altogether. 

Today I've had two cups of plain tea, a diet Snapple tea (10 cals), 2 pickle spears (5 cals each), and a 1/2 container of raspberries (10-20 cals). 40 calories altogether. I'm good right now, and fairly confident I'll go to bed without adding to the count. Probably the lowest I've ever restricted so that's kinda exciting. 

I think I'm going to start sharing pictures as is appropriate. I'm really happy with this picture, I still think it's somehow made me look thinner than I actually am, but it's the skinniest my legs have looked in ages (probably because my thighs are covered....) Either way it's a happy thing for me. I know I'm opening up a window for criticism by sharing, but hopefully we can all remember judgement is a big contributor to why many of us are here to begin with. I just can actually notice a difference in myself! It rocks.

lol at my messy bathroom

I was asked to a formal dance/dinner thing with a guy who rooms with one of my best guy friends, I barely know him. It was fun to get ready and dance, I drank for the first time in forever and ended up sleeping at his place and doing things I wish I hadn't. Made me feel super crappy, and I spent Sunday looking at art online, crying, and eating, obviously. I hate myself sometimes. I've been pushing boys away emotionally for so long, when I do something like this, it's really destructive to my mental state. Sigh. I'm the worst.

...Happy Monday :)

Weak

I am weak. I told myself I could survive the weekend without binging, like last. I tried so hard. But today is out of control.

Alfredo pasta. Peanut butter sandwich. Fruit loops. Shredded cheese. Lettuce. Marinara pasta. Chicken breast. Peanut butter from the jar. Pringles. Pita chips. Pomegranate. Milk. Tea. I even made kool-aid just to consume it, I don't even like kool-aid. Literally ANYTHING I can find to devour in my apartment. I can't be trusted. To top it all off, I just ordered breadsticks with my roommate. I'm going to purge them after I eat them though, I can't handle this. I feel disgusting but I can't stop. I'm ravenous with fake hunger.

So dysfunctional, what a mess.

Heroine or Victim?

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." - Nora Ephron

Am I being the heroine of my life or the victim? I think most people would reflect and say "Yeah, I do tend to think everything bad is happening to me, and my struggles are the worst, etc etc, maybe I should be positive and do something about it, be the hero."

Of course, I applied this quote to ED in my life. The problem is, I DON'T consider myself a victim. When it comes to ED, I feel like a hero. I feel like I'm taking charge, taking action, and changing my life for myself. ED hasn't victimized me, I'm in control of ED. I'm the hero. If anything, ED is the victim. Going back to separating my thoughts, logically this is an ED thought. Doesn't feel like it though, and I don't see it that way.

Today my roomie/best friend was in the kitchen and called me out of my room to reach something for her. I got up and walked about 10 ft to the cabinet, got it out, and extended my arm to hand it to her. Suddenly I started leaning back, I couldn't see, and I was shaking and leaning, for a good 6 seconds or something. I often get dizzy spells when I restrict, but I've never had something like this. It was actually really scary, I could feel myself going in and out. The worst part is that my roommate was 1 ft from me, seeing it all happen in horror. She then accused me of not eating lately, and I could tell she was mad as she walked out of the kitchen. A while back she and my other roommate/best friend confronted me about my eating habits, and I admitted I was having a little bit of a problem. Since then, it hasn't been brought up, I haven't lost very much, and I've more importantly learned how to hide it. So for her to accuse me of not eating, and get frustrated with me, is really upsetting. I'll have to work harder at hiding it. I know it's because she cares but it's just another stressor.

Hope everyone is having a lovely day.