War

This is war. I am officially declaring war against my body and this time there will be no intermissions and there will be no white flags.

At my deepest, darkest point last semester in an attempt to regain my life I deleted my blog, threw away my ED books, and said goodbye to jello and diet soda. I could go into detail of how things went, but a basic summary: I tried to get better, I gained, I dealt with it, I gained more, I hated it, I started cutting things back, I cut things back more, and within a few weeks I was back to restricting/binging. I stopped logging/weighing and mentally I was in a much better place. The original vengeance ED had when it made it's first appearance was gone, and I was left with a body that had no idea what 'eating normally' meant. 5 days of restriction, two days of consumption to sickness. Such is my life. I thought I was neither gaining or losing but I was wrong. 

I'm over it though. Really. I've been so disgusted with myself and today after two months of not weighing, I did it. I knew it was bad. Part of me wanted to start drowning again so I took the step deeper. 

This is war against my body, and I WILL win this time. 14 lbs heavier than my lowest. Repulsive. I can't stand this body or this person. I can't fathom doing anything besides sleeping and crying right now. 

I'm sorry for disappearing suddenly and I'm sorry for coming back in the same manner. I hope you're all doing well and I look forward to catching up on your beautiful struggles.

Taylor