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Thursday, April 11, 2013

7 lbs down



Yay! The Scale told me that as of today I've lost 7 lbs since deciding to try to lose weight again. (3 weeks? Slow but oh well) Next goal is to lose another 5. That will bring The Numbers to a tolerable place once again. I've been kinda naughty this week and restricting too much, under 400 every day... I need to up my intake at least a little so I don't get sucked into The Cycle. Like I always do. BUT this weekend will undo a lot of this week: bachelorette party tonight, wedding tomorrow, formal event Saturday... lots of alcohol and public eating. My family knows about my ED because they're all so darn nosy so they'll be watching, and I'll be eating. No matter how much I don't want to.

I've been great mentally, my busy week has kept me from drowning myself in behaviors. I had two exams this past week I think I did average on... I wish my life was more eventful to write about haha. It's raining today so I'm skipping class and snuggling in my bed with frozen sliced peaches and a diet Dr. Pepper :)

Bikini in two days, bleh. Lots of love xoxo

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Counting bites


Soooo... this is a big deal for me! First work outside the Midwest. Sooo.... I can't screw this up by being fat. Soooooo... today I'm not eating. Knowing how little control I have I'll probably give in at work, but I'm going to count and record every. single. bite. Today is the perfect day to fast because I'm extremely busy and I'm not working out.

Black Guy lol <3 asked me to hang out again this weekend. Date three yay :) Haven't talked to A since last Sunday so I think it's safe to say we're donezo. He has my favorite movies at his place, including Mulan and Legally Blonde. I'll have to awkwardly pick them up some time I suppose.

I have about three weeks to get unfat. Time to fully embrace The Scale, measuring cups, and caffeine. 

xoxo

Friday, April 5, 2013

Binge/purge party


Last night after I binged and purged my first meal I posted about it. I had every intention of going to bed but the binge/purge party didn't end there. Being the only one on the guest list, I then ordered breadsticks since no one was around to see my disgustingness. Moved the party to the bathroom. Purged. Ate frozen yogurt, purged. Ate more, purged. Repeat. By the end of the night I contracted a headache of massive proportions accompanied by bloodshot eyes and swollen cheeks. This morning I feel the same, and found remnants of vomit on the toilet, mentally noting I'll have to clean it today. This is my version of a hangover.

I was in such a good place last week :( I'm done with the pity party though. If I'm choosing to give in to these self destructive behaviors, I need to own them. 

This morning I worked out, cardio and core, and now I have to work from 1-9 giving out Pepsi samples at a Hunting & Fishing Expo...... lollllll. Not my crowd. Embracing orange and camo for the day ;) 

Lots of love 

Thursday, April 4, 2013

I wish I could eat:


Just another day of dysfunction. Had half a thin whole wheat bagel with almond butter and worked out with my trainer. She told me today that my workouts with her burn between 600 and 700 calories each time? That's crazy. But she knows what she's talking about I guess, and it IS the most exhausting exercise I've ever done. Afterwards I had a small salad, a banana, and a sugar free caramel latte with skim milk by 11 am. Had class all day until 7:30 pm, and by the time I was home I calculated a net intake of -100. Figure I should have a normal meal and some protein even though I didn't want to. Trying to be normal, I had a greek yogurt, a bit of air popped popcorn with nothing on it, and 4 large strawberries while my chicken breast baked. Ate the chicken breast, and it should've stopped there. But nope, no control. No idea when to stop. I then had frozen yogurt, dried pineapple, and made a pasta Lean Cuisine. Then I was so disgusted and upset at my frantic intake that I slammed a glass of water down and purged until I got to the strawberries. So... I worked out, mini restricted, mini binged, and purged within the day. Ehhhhh

The Numbers today pissed me off. With the intense workouts I'm sure I'm losing fat and gaining muscle mass, but that doesn't make me feel better about The Numbers. I'm about 11 lbs up from my low weight :( grosssssssss.

Today I was thinking about all the things I wish I could eat:
Mac & Cheese
Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream
French Fries
Caramels
Bread with Olive Oil
Anything with butter...
Chicken Tenders
Cheese Curds
Chicken Parm
Extra Cheese Pizza
Garlic Bread
General Tso's
Roast Beef Sandwich 
Pringles
Pizza Rolls
Chocolate Shake
Bagel
Hamburger
Chips and salsa
Brownies
BBQ Wings
Hot Fudge
Toaster Strudels
Cinnamon Buns
Spaghetti (and mozzerella!)
French Toast
Chocolate Milk
Orange Juice
Lasagna 
Tomato Bisque

I'm sure this could go on forever and ever. I definitely stumble and eat chocolate or pizza sometimes, but I can't remember the last time I had bread or pasta outside of a Lean Cuisine... What do you wish you could eat guiltlessly?

Hope you're all having a good day!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

No more Vyvanse & the Lonelies


A large peach (80)
Frozen yogurt (200)
Sweet potato fries (200)
A small apple (50)
Brussel sprouts (75)
Light frappucino (150) = 765
One hour of yoga/pilates (-100)
= 665

Seems like I ate a lot, I feel gigantic lately. Lately? I feel gigantic all the time lol. I have to wear an effing bikini in two weeks and it's proving to be a subconscious motivation for restriction. Thinking about it already makes me sick to my stomach and want to cry. I'm so incredibly ashamed of my body, I wish I could detach my soul from it. 

I don't think I mentioned this last week but it's a huge change: I stopped taking my ADHD pill which was a 12 hour extended release medication. On the positive side, I've been able to sleep normally again. Unfortunately my life is extra disastrous and my forgetfulness is at an all time high. Ugh. After 2 years of allowing Vyvanse to aid my functionality I feel left to fend for myself in a sense. 

I also haven't taken my anti depressants in three days because I'm a mess, that's the best reason I can offer. It might explain my extreme case of the Lonelies last night. I just want to love someone, and I just want someone to love me :( I'm sick of bouncing from guy to guy every month. I shouldn't need a guy to make me happy, but easier said than done... I've been social media stalking Loser Ex Boyfriend lately and he seems so happy with his new girlfriend. I want to be happy :( 

Hugs
PS I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow eek


Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Guacafuckingmole

I ate a ton of fucking guacamole and CHIPS today and I feel huge and fat and want to punch something. That is all going to bed now.

Crazy logging & a kiss

Yolanda Sanchez
I can't. stop. logging. I know it's so bad for my mentality but I just can't stop; if I don't write it down immediately after I eat it (preferably beforehand) the thought ultimately takes over. I relive the bites over and over and over, because forgetting I ate that cup of sliced pineapple would certainly result in chaos...  I hate the way my mind races with food crazed obsession. Even though I'm not starving myself anymore I can't stop thinking about my next consumption, the portion, how I'll prepare it. I still eat everything only off of my favorite plates with the scalloped rims, the plastic orange bowls, and with the little spoons with the flowers on the handles. I still only sip my drinks out of bendy straws and consume anything and everything under bright lights to ensure the perfect bite each time. It's crazy. I'm crazy. Will I always be crazy?

Got my kiss, hollaaaaaa! It was cute and sweet and deep, not lust-filled and sex driven. He was a great kisser and SO crazy attractive, he's a wide receiver on the football team here so very nicely built ;) We have such fabulous physical chemistry, something I haven't felt in a very long time. Now I will overanalyze every text, or lack thereof, and be upset if we don't hang out again even though I don't think there's any real emotional feelings present on my end. It's just the weird way I function. 

I've been exercising about 6 days a week and it's great way to focus my craziness. Yoga, pilates, running, strength training... Deep down it's not satisfying, though. I think most of us with EDs are drawn to the destructive nature that comes with restricting and purging. I really miss the high of being empty today.

Lots of love