Crazy logging & a kiss

Yolanda Sanchez

I can't. stop. logging. I know it's so bad for my mentality but I just can't stop; if I don't write it down immediately after I eat it (preferably beforehand) the thought ultimately takes over. I relive the bites over and over and over, because forgetting I ate that cup of sliced pineapple would certainly result in chaos...  I hate the way my mind races with food crazed obsession. Even though I'm not starving myself anymore I can't stop thinking about my next consumption, the portion, how I'll prepare it. I still eat everything only off of my favorite plates with the scalloped rims, the plastic orange bowls, and with the little spoons with the flowers on the handles. I still only sip my drinks out of bendy straws and consume anything and everything under bright lights to ensure the perfect bite each time. It's crazy. I'm crazy. Will I always be crazy?

Got my kiss, hollaaaaaa! It was cute and sweet and deep, not lust-filled and sex driven. He was a great kisser and SO crazy attractive, he's a wide receiver on the football team here so very nicely built ;) We have such fabulous physical chemistry, something I haven't felt in a very long time. Now I will overanalyze every text, or lack thereof, and be upset if we don't hang out again even though I don't think there's any real emotional feelings present on my end. It's just the weird way I function. 

I've been exercising about 6 days a week and it's great way to focus my craziness. Yoga, pilates, running, strength training... Deep down it's not satisfying, though. I think most of us with EDs are drawn to the destructive nature that comes with restricting and purging. I really miss the high of being empty today.

Lots of love