Depressed & a hair cut

I stayed in treatment for 8 weeks. Eight weeks of rating urges for self harm, binging, purging, restricting. Rating depression, body image, anxiety. Suicidal ideation. Snack challenges. Experiential therapy. Meal outings. Breakdowns, anger, tears. I cried a lot, worked through a lot emotionally. 

A few times I abused my freedom at home & skipped breakfast. 

A few times I drove home too fast, taking the turns too sharply, manically anticipating the release I'd feel once I got down on my knees in front of the toilet. 

A few times I hid my almonds under my napkin, calculating the calories I was denying my body of.

A few times I walked back to our table pretending to be drinking my milk, when really I hadn't filled it to the top.

The last three weeks of treatment my depression was at an all time high... making behaviors not an option? Another way of saying 'let's face your problems', your insecurities, your fears. And I hated it and it sucked and I hated myself. So I started drinking every single night. I went almost twenty days straight which is NOT a person I have ever been before. Then Carl dumped me. Then I smoked pot for the first time. One night, completely trashed, I let myself get taken advantage of by a random guy I met earlier at a bar. He followed me home despite my pleas, pinned me against my own kitchen wall, and went up my skirt whispering and kissing my neck as I cried. I went to Chicago with a friend and did coke. I cried a lot. I ordered Chinese in glee knowing a purge would follow, bought tubs of Cherry Garcia frozen yogurt with intent to regurgitate the container within the next hour. Meanwhile, I desperately reached to any guy who would just show me they cared about me in the slightest. 

It's not that I went to treatment not wanting recovery, or went through the motions knowing I'd go back to fucking up. I want to get better. I want to be normal. Just now I had to log in to blogspot for the first time in ages and remembered when I made this account over a year ago... I chose the e-mail wannorexictaylor@gmail.com. As in 'want'. And 'anorexic'. Are you joking? I literally scoffed out loud as I typed it in. I had no idea the grip ED would have on me or how it would take over my life, or how it's not a matter of 'wanting' anything, it wants me. When school started treatment was no longer feasible, so I made my relapse prevention plan, my outpatient appointments, and with meal plans and my recovery binder in hand I marched out ready to take on the world ED free. Guess where those things are? My car. Haven't touched them.

Now I have classes and I'm at a high weight. I hate myself. I'm depressed and to be honest all I want to do is get high or get drunk. I'm scared of the world and scared of myself. I thought treatment would fix me, and the idea that an institution like that didn't make a dent in my fucked up-ness is terrifying. I miss being thin... I miss the all-consuming film it placed over my life, fogging up my reality and numbing my fear. Being aware of pain and my issues sucks, I want to melt back into my disordered ways and hide.

"Fuck the pain away. I mean fuck it, drink it, shoot it, smoke it, snort it, cut it, binge it, purge it all the fuck away. Get high, relapse. That's what we do."

Got my hair cut. It's so much shorter >:(

Praying for everyone xoxo

Feeling down & bridal show picture

"When you try your best but you don't succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need, when you feel so tired but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse." 

- Coldplay, "Fix You"

I started an outpatient program last Wednesday. It's six hours a day, Monday through Friday, and I absolutely despise it. First things first, I arrive and strip my clothes, trading them in for a mustard yellow see through gown. The scratchy net-like material hangs on my stupid body as I turn around and take that blind step backwards onto The Scale. There's not much I hate more than this ritual. It's not fair that they get to know The Numbers and I don't. I feel like it's this life-changing secret I'm missing out on.

So after day two, I get home and dig through the cabinet under the kitchen sink. I put it here almost 7 weeks ago. My heart pounds a little harder as I bring it into the bathroom, by habit getting eye level with the floor to make sure all four corners are sitting equally on the tile. Adrenaline pumping I take off my clothes until I'm down to my bra and underwear, and take that awful step onto the square, looking forward. Deep breath, look down. My heart drops, my stomach flips, tears burn my eyes. "Oh my god" I say over and over again. I hated myself after that, I hate myself now. Program today was a waste.

I can't handle knowing my body occupies The Numbers revealed on the scale last night. I just can't. Every bite brings my attention to the digits, and The Numbers escalate with every swallow. I lost three or four pounds in two days and the dietician is already on my case. It's a horrible feeling to be there and have a team putting effort into me and secretly be working against them. Against myself. I'm so incredibly down about the whole situation.

They yelled at me for cutting my food into pieces. I have to take a buddy to use the bathroom. 

I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need. I need to lose weight, but I need to recover; I need to count calories, but I need to lead a normal life. I want to get well, but I want to get rid of just two more pounds first. Maybe five. Maybe twenty. I'm so confused and drained :( Useless.

Here's a photo from a bridal fashion show I was in last week. Got to wear Vera Wang's newest dress, I loved it.

Hugs xo 

Purge purge purge

I felt myself losing control that very first week. 

No workouts. No trainer. I couldn't even choose my intake. The guilt was building and growing and becoming stronger than me. Rice, butter, juice... that meal was enough to make me sad but not enough to make me hate myself, not enough to act on it. Then the group went to get ice cream. 'Nope, not doing it' I told myself, and sat at a table by myself to wait for the group. Lexi begs me to get it with her so she doesn't feel guilty. She has no idea how different our Guilts are going to be. I cave, I get a scoop of Dulce de Leche, I hate every bite of it. 

Maybe it was the ice cream that triggered me. I love purging ice cream... it's effortless, and it tastes the same going in as it does coming up. After two bites, the Whisper that's constantly in the back of my head spoke up. Purge it. Lose it. Get it out. Gigantic. Fat. And that other person inside of me that was dormant for almost two months took over. I grabbed my water bottle out of my backpack as we walked back and chugged it, lukewarm, the only thing that mattered at that moment. I nervously sat down and waited for others to use the bathroom first so I could take my time. Like a zombie, all I can do before a purge is stare and count calories and hate myself. I can't focus on anything else, and I definitely can't take it back.

That was week one of the trip. 

Purging continued from there maybe 2 or 3 times a week. By week four and five, it was every other day. Now, it's every day. If not more. I just ate two cookies for breakfast and before even touching them to my tongue I knew I'd be purging them up shortly after. This is what I despise more than anything: eating with intention to purge. Because then, it's not an accident you didn't see coming. It's an accident you're approaching head on, full speed, with your lights on. 

Home now and struggling. Much love xo

Don't purge rice

Word to the wise, don't purge rice. It's disgusting. I'm in the Dominican Republic for the next month and all we eat is rice. I just purged for the first time in maybe two months? Yeah rice. It gets all up in your nose whatnot. Disgusting.

I still pray for you all even when I'm not active.

Much love xoxo

7 lbs down

Yay! The Scale told me that as of today I've lost 7 lbs since deciding to try to lose weight again. (3 weeks? Slow but oh well) Next goal is to lose another 5. That will bring The Numbers to a tolerable place once again. I've been kinda naughty this week and restricting too much, under 400 every day... I need to up my intake at least a little so I don't get sucked into The Cycle. Like I always do. BUT this weekend will undo a lot of this week: bachelorette party tonight, wedding tomorrow, formal event Saturday... lots of alcohol and public eating. My family knows about my ED because they're all so darn nosy so they'll be watching, and I'll be eating. No matter how much I don't want to.

I've been great mentally, my busy week has kept me from drowning myself in behaviors. I had two exams this past week I think I did average on... I wish my life was more eventful to write about haha. It's raining today so I'm skipping class and snuggling in my bed with frozen sliced peaches and a diet Dr. Pepper :)

Bikini in two days, bleh. Lots of love xoxo

Counting bites

Soooo... this is a big deal for me! First work outside the Midwest. Sooo.... I can't screw this up by being fat. Soooooo... today I'm not eating. Knowing how little control I have I'll probably give in at work, but I'm going to count and record every. single. bite. Today is the perfect day to fast because I'm extremely busy and I'm not working out.

Black Guy lol <3 asked me to hang out again this weekend. Date three yay :) Haven't talked to A since last Sunday so I think it's safe to say we're donezo. He has my favorite movies at his place, including Mulan and Legally Blonde. I'll have to awkwardly pick them up some time I suppose.

I have about three weeks to get unfat. Time to fully embrace The Scale, measuring cups, and caffeine. 

xoxo

Binge/purge party

Last night after I binged and purged my first meal I posted about it. I had every intention of going to bed but the binge/purge party didn't end there. Being the only one on the guest list, I then ordered breadsticks since no one was around to see my disgustingness. Moved the party to the bathroom. Purged. Ate frozen yogurt, purged. Ate more, purged. Repeat. By the end of the night I contracted a headache of massive proportions accompanied by bloodshot eyes and swollen cheeks. This morning I feel the same, and found remnants of vomit on the toilet, mentally noting I'll have to clean it today. This is my version of a hangover.

I was in such a good place last week :( I'm done with the pity party though. If I'm choosing to give in to these self destructive behaviors, I need to own them. 

This morning I worked out, cardio and core, and now I have to work from 1-9 giving out Pepsi samples at a Hunting & Fishing Expo...... lollllll. Not my crowd. Embracing orange and camo for the day ;) 

Lots of love 

I wish I could eat:

Just another day of dysfunction. Had half a thin whole wheat bagel with almond butter and worked out with my trainer. She told me today that my workouts with her burn between 600 and 700 calories each time? That's crazy. But she knows what she's talking about I guess, and it IS the most exhausting exercise I've ever done. Afterwards I had a small salad, a banana, and a sugar free caramel latte with skim milk by 11 am. Had class all day until 7:30 pm, and by the time I was home I calculated a net intake of -100. Figure I should have a normal meal and some protein even though I didn't want to. Trying to be normal, I had a greek yogurt, a bit of air popped popcorn with nothing on it, and 4 large strawberries while my chicken breast baked. Ate the chicken breast, and it should've stopped there. But nope, no control. No idea when to stop. I then had frozen yogurt, dried pineapple, and made a pasta Lean Cuisine. Then I was so disgusted and upset at my frantic intake that I slammed a glass of water down and purged until I got to the strawberries. So... I worked out, mini restricted, mini binged, and purged within the day. Ehhhhh

The Numbers today pissed me off. With the intense workouts I'm sure I'm losing fat and gaining muscle mass, but that doesn't make me feel better about The Numbers. I'm about 11 lbs up from my low weight :( grosssssssss.

Today I was thinking about all the things I wish I could eat:

Mac & Cheese

Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream

French Fries

Caramels

Bread with Olive Oil

Anything with butter...

Chicken Tenders

Cheese Curds

Chicken Parm

Extra Cheese Pizza

Garlic Bread

General Tso's

Roast Beef Sandwich 

Pringles

Pizza Rolls

Chocolate Shake

Bagel

Hamburger

Chips and salsa

Brownies

BBQ Wings

Hot Fudge

Toaster Strudels

Cinnamon Buns

Spaghetti (and mozzerella!)

French Toast

Chocolate Milk

Orange Juice

Lasagna 

Tomato Bisque

I'm sure this could go on forever and ever. I definitely stumble and eat chocolate or pizza sometimes, but I can't remember the last time I had bread or pasta outside of a Lean Cuisine... What do you wish you could eat guiltlessly?

Hope you're all having a good day!

No more Vyvanse & the Lonelies

A large peach (80)

Frozen yogurt (200)

Sweet potato fries (200)

A small apple (50)

Brussel sprouts (75)

Light frappucino (150) = 765

One hour of yoga/pilates (-100)

= 665

Seems like I ate a lot, I feel gigantic lately. Lately? I feel gigantic all the time lol. I have to wear an effing bikini in two weeks and it's proving to be a subconscious motivation for restriction. Thinking about it already makes me sick to my stomach and want to cry. I'm so incredibly ashamed of my body, I wish I could detach my soul from it. 

I don't think I mentioned this last week but it's a huge change: I stopped taking my ADHD pill which was a 12 hour extended release medication. On the positive side, I've been able to sleep normally again. Unfortunately my life is extra disastrous and my forgetfulness is at an all time high. Ugh. After 2 years of allowing Vyvanse to aid my functionality I feel left to fend for myself in a sense. 

I also haven't taken my anti depressants in three days because I'm a mess, that's the best reason I can offer. It might explain my extreme case of the Lonelies last night. I just want to love someone, and I just want someone to love me :( I'm sick of bouncing from guy to guy every month. I shouldn't need a guy to make me happy, but easier said than done... I've been social media stalking Loser Ex Boyfriend lately and he seems so happy with his new girlfriend. I want to be happy :( 

Hugs

PS I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow eek

Guacafuckingmole

I ate a ton of fucking guacamole and CHIPS today and I feel huge and fat and want to punch something. That is all going to bed now.

Crazy logging & a kiss

Yolanda Sanchez

I can't. stop. logging. I know it's so bad for my mentality but I just can't stop; if I don't write it down immediately after I eat it (preferably beforehand) the thought ultimately takes over. I relive the bites over and over and over, because forgetting I ate that cup of sliced pineapple would certainly result in chaos...  I hate the way my mind races with food crazed obsession. Even though I'm not starving myself anymore I can't stop thinking about my next consumption, the portion, how I'll prepare it. I still eat everything only off of my favorite plates with the scalloped rims, the plastic orange bowls, and with the little spoons with the flowers on the handles. I still only sip my drinks out of bendy straws and consume anything and everything under bright lights to ensure the perfect bite each time. It's crazy. I'm crazy. Will I always be crazy?

Got my kiss, hollaaaaaa! It was cute and sweet and deep, not lust-filled and sex driven. He was a great kisser and SO crazy attractive, he's a wide receiver on the football team here so very nicely built ;) We have such fabulous physical chemistry, something I haven't felt in a very long time. Now I will overanalyze every text, or lack thereof, and be upset if we don't hang out again even though I don't think there's any real emotional feelings present on my end. It's just the weird way I function. 

I've been exercising about 6 days a week and it's great way to focus my craziness. Yoga, pilates, running, strength training... Deep down it's not satisfying, though. I think most of us with EDs are drawn to the destructive nature that comes with restricting and purging. I really miss the high of being empty today.

Lots of love

In the mood to dissolve

After 20 days without a purge I threw it all away.

I'm alone at the apartment tonight, no work and no plans... Everyone is gone on spring break. My day was nothing unusual, but I've been feeling really fat the last few days....

Yogurt - 120

Toast w/ almond butter - 135

*Workout - burned 200 to 300

Brussel sprouts roasted w/ olive oil - 120

Panini - 450 (.....why)

Sweet potato roasted w/ olive oil - 225

Strawberries & froyo - 150

So at this point, 9 pm, I'm around 800-900 give or take. I wasn't hungry but I saw a stupid commercial for Thai food and immediately started craving pad thai. I thought about it for an entire half hour, and still wanted it. I told myself, "Order it. You can just have a little. Normal people give in to their cravings all the time." So I had it delivered, and had a medium portion. Full to the point of discomfort, I urgently snuck back to the take out box and scooped an even larger portion on my plate. Then came The Guilt and Fatness and the Disgust so I got a glass of water, chugged it, and headed to the bathroom. "Do I really want to do this? After almost three weeks?" Yeah. Yeah I do. Noodles are easy and no one's home, it's perfect. 

Now I just feel dirty. I don't really know why this happened it just did blehh 

Lots of love

Sadness & a bag of vomit

Karina Allrich

It makes me so sad to read everyone's posts and see how much pain we're all going through. We have eating disorders, while the neighbor's grandpa just died, while my beautiful friend S just got cheated on, while the guy working at the Taco Shop has cancer. So much sadness, so much pain. I hate ittttttttt

For some reason it made me remember one low in particular that I experienced in December. I was at my grandma's little house in the woods for Christmas. She made my favorite foods for Christmas dinner, because I'm the only grandchild that stays in contact with her and the only grandchild there to spend Christmas with her. She loves me so much. After dinner, I wanted to purge. Her house is so little, and the only bathroom is right off of the living room where everyone was socializing. I couldn't purge without being heard, so I excused myself to 'shower'. Knowing the old plumbing of her house couldn't handle my vomit, I smuggled a plastic Wal-Mart bag into the shower and threw up multiple times into the bag. After finishing, I neatly tied the bag and snuck it into my suitcase until I could dispose of it in the main trash receptacle without being noticed. I had a literal bag of my vomit in my suitcase. How ridiculous and disappointing. I wish I could say I'll never allow this to happen again but if I found myself in the same situation today, I'd probably do the same thing. 

On a positive note.... hahah a BIG HUG TO EVERYONE FROM ME. I hate seeing so many of you down. You're all so freaking beautiful! Hugs

Personal trainer & accepted!

Well... I'm doing okay. One day is fine, the next is crazy. Today is a crazy one. Tense and agitated and avoiding food at all costs. I'm trying to love my body and nourish it but it's hard after destroying it for so long. It's also hard to love something that doesn't feel my own. The extra curves, the soft where the hard used to be...

In a new approach to find peace with my body I've started seeing a personal trainer. It's only been two weeks, but I bought 20 sessions up front so... I'm doing this for real I guess. I keep telling myself the exercise will help me intuitively listen to hunger cues, and new strength will help me love what my body is capable of accomplishing. However, today after working out I couldn't bring myself to eat anything except some soybeans. I then skipped lunch and had a sweet potato and a little salmon for dinner. I logged it all. I want to weigh myself. I'm crazy no matter how I go about it. The means of obtaining control all lead me to the same mentality, the same dynamic, the same spiral. 

I remember when I used to tell myself "Tomorrow you start over! Tomorrow you'll restrict!" 

Now, it's "Tomorrow you will eat normally. You will not skip meals. You will not live off of caffeine.  You will give your body the nutrients it needs to live." I really am addicted to this dysfunction and I never thought I would admit it. I miss my normal life. I think my weight is stable which is a plus, but my underlying desire is for it to keep going down. Right now I have the strength to resist the scale, we'll see how long it lasts! 

Did a bridal fashion show over the weekend, pretty enjoyable

I got accepted to the Early Childhood Education/ESL program here at university, only 25 students got in :) Ecstatic. Hanging out with A tonight, don't know why I'm still seeing him. I have no passion towards him. I guess he's just there? I'm a horrible person. Poor A. I'm on spring break but alas, I'm poor haha, so just staying at school... by myself. Some deja vu and memories of massive binge/purge episodes over winter break when I was in the same situation. I haven't purged in 18 days though, staying strong :)

"I recognize that loving myself is a difficult journey but one worth traveling."

Hugs xo

The cycle: my drug & my crash

Stricher Gerald

I've been trying my best to consume somewhat normally and exercise to keep myself sane. It's midterm time at school and after already having to drop a class, I have to keep on top of the remainder of my academics. Emotionally I've been depressed and down, so I haven't had the energy or brain fuel to post in a while. Sorry I haven't been commenting! I just haven't been on.

The Restriction and The Binge just cycles on and on and on. 

When I'm Restricting I'm on top of the world.

I'm superwoman. 

I feed off of adrenaline.

I sleep three hours a night.

I cherish the measuring cups,

count the raspberries,

scribble the calories.

No doubt, I'll be thin by next week.

My hands shake as I paint my nails. 

My head rushes when I stand and I see black. 

I sneak unused dishes in the sink,

reward my empty diligence over the last 12 hours with a diet Dr. Pepper. 

And it all makes me smile. 

I'm productive. hyperactive. alert. powerful. in control. empty. 

Restriction is my drug.

Then comes The Binge. 

I don't want it. I don't want it I don't want it I don't want it and I do everything I can to fight it. I chew my cherry limeade gum. I drink my ice cold lemon water. I thoroughly brush my teeth, hope to trick my mind. I start out with the lowest calorie foods in hopes to stop there. The fruit, the vegetables, the popcorn. Then a chicken and herb Lean Cuisine. You're at 500 calories, you can still keep today under control. Then some peanut butter. Then I order pizza, disgusted with myself I order extra pepperoni. I don't even want pepperoni, I just want the damaging calories. I want to hurt myself. More I need more I want more. Then I rush to the grocery store and spend a panicked hour choosing what I want. Retreating to my room, I eat and eat and eat until I eat myself into pain. I want more I need to get rid of it get rid of it get more get it out I need more.At this point I'll try to purge, but the damage has been done. I curl up in bed laying next to guilt and self hatred, and wake up with my entire body so bloated it hurts to the touch. Not just on my stomach, but everywhere. My jaw is swollen from purging and the toilet is still stained from my shameful actions. You are repulsive you are dirty you are a failure. The day after The Binge, all I can bring myself to do is mope and cry and meticulously concoct the perfect recipe to ensure I'll never binge again. Five days later I'm adding a new recipe to the box collecting my failures. Surely this one will work. Such is my life.

This is exhausting. The high, the crash. The feeling of invincibility and hope crushed and transformed into hatred and depression. It took over HALF A YEAR for me to realize this but I JUST CAN'T HAVE BOTH. I can't have my drug and still have a functional life. There is no perfect recipe no matter how many times I alter it. But yet I can't let go of it completely. It's all just really exhausting. I'm just really tired. This week my addiction to Restriction is pulling at me. Yesterday I gave in and today I have so far. But it's not too late for me to be stronger.

"At any given point, you have the power to say 'This is not how the day is going to end.'"

Lots of love