The cycle: my drug & my crash

Stricher Gerald

I've been trying my best to consume somewhat normally and exercise to keep myself sane. It's midterm time at school and after already having to drop a class, I have to keep on top of the remainder of my academics. Emotionally I've been depressed and down, so I haven't had the energy or brain fuel to post in a while. Sorry I haven't been commenting! I just haven't been on.

The Restriction and The Binge just cycles on and on and on. 

When I'm Restricting I'm on top of the world.

I'm superwoman. 

I feed off of adrenaline.

I sleep three hours a night.

I cherish the measuring cups,

count the raspberries,

scribble the calories.

No doubt, I'll be thin by next week.

My hands shake as I paint my nails. 

My head rushes when I stand and I see black. 

I sneak unused dishes in the sink,

reward my empty diligence over the last 12 hours with a diet Dr. Pepper. 

And it all makes me smile. 

I'm productive. hyperactive. alert. powerful. in control. empty. 

Restriction is my drug.

Then comes The Binge. 

I don't want it. I don't want it I don't want it I don't want it and I do everything I can to fight it. I chew my cherry limeade gum. I drink my ice cold lemon water. I thoroughly brush my teeth, hope to trick my mind. I start out with the lowest calorie foods in hopes to stop there. The fruit, the vegetables, the popcorn. Then a chicken and herb Lean Cuisine. You're at 500 calories, you can still keep today under control. Then some peanut butter. Then I order pizza, disgusted with myself I order extra pepperoni. I don't even want pepperoni, I just want the damaging calories. I want to hurt myself. More I need more I want more. Then I rush to the grocery store and spend a panicked hour choosing what I want. Retreating to my room, I eat and eat and eat until I eat myself into pain. I want more I need to get rid of it get rid of it get more get it out I need more.At this point I'll try to purge, but the damage has been done. I curl up in bed laying next to guilt and self hatred, and wake up with my entire body so bloated it hurts to the touch. Not just on my stomach, but everywhere. My jaw is swollen from purging and the toilet is still stained from my shameful actions. You are repulsive you are dirty you are a failure. The day after The Binge, all I can bring myself to do is mope and cry and meticulously concoct the perfect recipe to ensure I'll never binge again. Five days later I'm adding a new recipe to the box collecting my failures. Surely this one will work. Such is my life.

This is exhausting. The high, the crash. The feeling of invincibility and hope crushed and transformed into hatred and depression. It took over HALF A YEAR for me to realize this but I JUST CAN'T HAVE BOTH. I can't have my drug and still have a functional life. There is no perfect recipe no matter how many times I alter it. But yet I can't let go of it completely. It's all just really exhausting. I'm just really tired. This week my addiction to Restriction is pulling at me. Yesterday I gave in and today I have so far. But it's not too late for me to be stronger.

"At any given point, you have the power to say 'This is not how the day is going to end.'"

Lots of love