Well... I'm doing okay. One day is fine, the next is crazy. Today is a crazy one. Tense and agitated and avoiding food at all costs. I'm trying to love my body and nourish it but it's hard after destroying it for so long. It's also hard to love something that doesn't feel my own. The extra curves, the soft where the hard used to be...
In a new approach to find peace with my body I've started seeing a personal trainer. It's only been two weeks, but I bought 20 sessions up front so... I'm doing this for real I guess. I keep telling myself the exercise will help me intuitively listen to hunger cues, and new strength will help me love what my body is capable of accomplishing. However, today after working out I couldn't bring myself to eat anything except some soybeans. I then skipped lunch and had a sweet potato and a little salmon for dinner. I logged it all. I want to weigh myself. I'm crazy no matter how I go about it. The means of obtaining control all lead me to the same mentality, the same dynamic, the same spiral.
I remember when I used to tell myself "Tomorrow you start over! Tomorrow you'll restrict!"
Now, it's "Tomorrow you will eat normally. You will not skip meals. You will not live off of caffeine. You will give your body the nutrients it needs to live." I really am addicted to this dysfunction and I never thought I would admit it. I miss my normal life. I think my weight is stable which is a plus, but my underlying desire is for it to keep going down. Right now I have the strength to resist the scale, we'll see how long it lasts!
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| Did a bridal fashion show over the weekend, pretty enjoyable |
I got accepted to the Early Childhood Education/ESL program here at university, only 25 students got in :) Ecstatic. Hanging out with A tonight, don't know why I'm still seeing him. I have no passion towards him. I guess he's just there? I'm a horrible person. Poor A. I'm on spring break but alas, I'm poor haha, so just staying at school... by myself. Some deja vu and memories of massive binge/purge episodes over winter break when I was in the same situation. I haven't purged in 18 days though, staying strong :)
"I recognize that loving myself is a difficult journey but one worth traveling."
Hugs xo
One of the best things you can do right now is avoiding the scales. I love your positive affirmations - tomorrow WILL be better, and not in a self-destructive way. It's near-impossible to resist the urge to lose weight, at any point of having an ED, and I think you're doing great so far. I hope your personal trainer can help keep you on track.
ReplyDeleteAnd can I just say, that you are stunning! Your facial features are just to die for.
Keep fighting hun <3 xx