In the mood to dissolve

After 20 days without a purge I threw it all away.

I'm alone at the apartment tonight, no work and no plans... Everyone is gone on spring break. My day was nothing unusual, but I've been feeling really fat the last few days....

Yogurt - 120

Toast w/ almond butter - 135

*Workout - burned 200 to 300

Brussel sprouts roasted w/ olive oil - 120

Panini - 450 (.....why)

Sweet potato roasted w/ olive oil - 225

Strawberries & froyo - 150

So at this point, 9 pm, I'm around 800-900 give or take. I wasn't hungry but I saw a stupid commercial for Thai food and immediately started craving pad thai. I thought about it for an entire half hour, and still wanted it. I told myself, "Order it. You can just have a little. Normal people give in to their cravings all the time." So I had it delivered, and had a medium portion. Full to the point of discomfort, I urgently snuck back to the take out box and scooped an even larger portion on my plate. Then came The Guilt and Fatness and the Disgust so I got a glass of water, chugged it, and headed to the bathroom. "Do I really want to do this? After almost three weeks?" Yeah. Yeah I do. Noodles are easy and no one's home, it's perfect. 

Now I just feel dirty. I don't really know why this happened it just did blehh 

Lots of love

Sadness & a bag of vomit

Karina Allrich

It makes me so sad to read everyone's posts and see how much pain we're all going through. We have eating disorders, while the neighbor's grandpa just died, while my beautiful friend S just got cheated on, while the guy working at the Taco Shop has cancer. So much sadness, so much pain. I hate ittttttttt

For some reason it made me remember one low in particular that I experienced in December. I was at my grandma's little house in the woods for Christmas. She made my favorite foods for Christmas dinner, because I'm the only grandchild that stays in contact with her and the only grandchild there to spend Christmas with her. She loves me so much. After dinner, I wanted to purge. Her house is so little, and the only bathroom is right off of the living room where everyone was socializing. I couldn't purge without being heard, so I excused myself to 'shower'. Knowing the old plumbing of her house couldn't handle my vomit, I smuggled a plastic Wal-Mart bag into the shower and threw up multiple times into the bag. After finishing, I neatly tied the bag and snuck it into my suitcase until I could dispose of it in the main trash receptacle without being noticed. I had a literal bag of my vomit in my suitcase. How ridiculous and disappointing. I wish I could say I'll never allow this to happen again but if I found myself in the same situation today, I'd probably do the same thing. 

On a positive note.... hahah a BIG HUG TO EVERYONE FROM ME. I hate seeing so many of you down. You're all so freaking beautiful! Hugs

Personal trainer & accepted!

Well... I'm doing okay. One day is fine, the next is crazy. Today is a crazy one. Tense and agitated and avoiding food at all costs. I'm trying to love my body and nourish it but it's hard after destroying it for so long. It's also hard to love something that doesn't feel my own. The extra curves, the soft where the hard used to be...

In a new approach to find peace with my body I've started seeing a personal trainer. It's only been two weeks, but I bought 20 sessions up front so... I'm doing this for real I guess. I keep telling myself the exercise will help me intuitively listen to hunger cues, and new strength will help me love what my body is capable of accomplishing. However, today after working out I couldn't bring myself to eat anything except some soybeans. I then skipped lunch and had a sweet potato and a little salmon for dinner. I logged it all. I want to weigh myself. I'm crazy no matter how I go about it. The means of obtaining control all lead me to the same mentality, the same dynamic, the same spiral. 

I remember when I used to tell myself "Tomorrow you start over! Tomorrow you'll restrict!" 

Now, it's "Tomorrow you will eat normally. You will not skip meals. You will not live off of caffeine.  You will give your body the nutrients it needs to live." I really am addicted to this dysfunction and I never thought I would admit it. I miss my normal life. I think my weight is stable which is a plus, but my underlying desire is for it to keep going down. Right now I have the strength to resist the scale, we'll see how long it lasts! 

Did a bridal fashion show over the weekend, pretty enjoyable

I got accepted to the Early Childhood Education/ESL program here at university, only 25 students got in :) Ecstatic. Hanging out with A tonight, don't know why I'm still seeing him. I have no passion towards him. I guess he's just there? I'm a horrible person. Poor A. I'm on spring break but alas, I'm poor haha, so just staying at school... by myself. Some deja vu and memories of massive binge/purge episodes over winter break when I was in the same situation. I haven't purged in 18 days though, staying strong :)

"I recognize that loving myself is a difficult journey but one worth traveling."

Hugs xo

The cycle: my drug & my crash

Stricher Gerald

I've been trying my best to consume somewhat normally and exercise to keep myself sane. It's midterm time at school and after already having to drop a class, I have to keep on top of the remainder of my academics. Emotionally I've been depressed and down, so I haven't had the energy or brain fuel to post in a while. Sorry I haven't been commenting! I just haven't been on.

The Restriction and The Binge just cycles on and on and on. 

When I'm Restricting I'm on top of the world.

I'm superwoman. 

I feed off of adrenaline.

I sleep three hours a night.

I cherish the measuring cups,

count the raspberries,

scribble the calories.

No doubt, I'll be thin by next week.

My hands shake as I paint my nails. 

My head rushes when I stand and I see black. 

I sneak unused dishes in the sink,

reward my empty diligence over the last 12 hours with a diet Dr. Pepper. 

And it all makes me smile. 

I'm productive. hyperactive. alert. powerful. in control. empty. 

Restriction is my drug.

Then comes The Binge. 

I don't want it. I don't want it I don't want it I don't want it and I do everything I can to fight it. I chew my cherry limeade gum. I drink my ice cold lemon water. I thoroughly brush my teeth, hope to trick my mind. I start out with the lowest calorie foods in hopes to stop there. The fruit, the vegetables, the popcorn. Then a chicken and herb Lean Cuisine. You're at 500 calories, you can still keep today under control. Then some peanut butter. Then I order pizza, disgusted with myself I order extra pepperoni. I don't even want pepperoni, I just want the damaging calories. I want to hurt myself. More I need more I want more. Then I rush to the grocery store and spend a panicked hour choosing what I want. Retreating to my room, I eat and eat and eat until I eat myself into pain. I want more I need to get rid of it get rid of it get more get it out I need more.At this point I'll try to purge, but the damage has been done. I curl up in bed laying next to guilt and self hatred, and wake up with my entire body so bloated it hurts to the touch. Not just on my stomach, but everywhere. My jaw is swollen from purging and the toilet is still stained from my shameful actions. You are repulsive you are dirty you are a failure. The day after The Binge, all I can bring myself to do is mope and cry and meticulously concoct the perfect recipe to ensure I'll never binge again. Five days later I'm adding a new recipe to the box collecting my failures. Surely this one will work. Such is my life.

This is exhausting. The high, the crash. The feeling of invincibility and hope crushed and transformed into hatred and depression. It took over HALF A YEAR for me to realize this but I JUST CAN'T HAVE BOTH. I can't have my drug and still have a functional life. There is no perfect recipe no matter how many times I alter it. But yet I can't let go of it completely. It's all just really exhausting. I'm just really tired. This week my addiction to Restriction is pulling at me. Yesterday I gave in and today I have so far. But it's not too late for me to be stronger.

"At any given point, you have the power to say 'This is not how the day is going to end.'"

Lots of love

I'm a freak

AGH ever since I "recovered" from my eating disorder and more recently relapsed, I feel my progress in becoming thin again has been 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Sure I've lost 7 lbs in 10 days, but yesterday I half binged and today is right on track for another full sized one. I had a meeting with my art professor today about late assignments and poor attendance. It went horribly. I'm typically not a mean person, but she's a butch biotch and has the world's largest stick up her butt. Zero empathy and of course she's probably around 100 lbs. 

I was upset and got a roll of cinnamon rolls on the way home (wtf?) and ate them. All eight of them. Then I had jello. Then I had orange juice. Then I had barbeque chips. Despite it only being 2 pm I JUST ORDERED A LARGE PIZZA IN ADDITION and the funny part is, this isn't why I feel like a freak. I feel like a freak because I'm going to hide the pizza in my room because I'm embarrassed by my binge. I'm embarrassed to be seen eating. I have a little empty spot cleared under my bed for it. 

Gross, T. What's wrong with you? 

Tears today, and lots of them. Feeling sad and lonely and unaccomplished and like a failure. A fat fat fatty fat fat failure to be precise. 

xoxo

Upset

Sea 1971 Eduard Tomek

I felt skinny when I woke up but it was a lie. I restricted pretty well yesterday (considering it's a Sunday when I tend to binge). Plus I worked out yesterday, running about 5 miles and a half hour or so of lifting.

The scale told me I'm up 2.4 lbs from the last time I weighed myself? WHAT? Like.... why.... I don't understand. I really don't. I ate rather poorly Friday and Saturday but didn't binge. Saturday I bartended from 5 until 3 am, and it was crazy busy so I was active the whole time. And now I want to cry, I hate the power The Numbers have and the power I allow them to take from me. It's morning and I already want to go back to sleep. I'm also upset I felt thin when I awoke and had a positive feeling about the potential of The Numbers and it was all a lie.

Hope your day is going better than mine xo

7 lbs & e.e. cummings

If someone ever said this to an individual with ED, would it not be exactly what we're all desperately wanting to hear? AHHHH this poem speaks to me, it gives me goosebumps. 

I AM tired of the puzzle of living and doing.

I HAVE broken the toys I was fondest of.

I AM a little tired now, especially of things that break.

The perfect places of sleep... If that isn't the truth.

I'm down 7 lbs since fully recommitting to The War and I'm pleased. Lots of love :)

Workout compensation

Gaby Silva Bavio

Drunk Me is pretty much synonymous with Fat Me. This reckless person who emerges after a few too many glasses ate 6 cookies last night at 120 calories each, and Hungover Me had a breakfast/lunch of 3 breadsticks. Not to mention about four glasses of wine to begin the night (UGH). Here's a picture from the festivities, the only good part being that my wrists look kinda tiny...

Hot black guy next to me... lolol

Once I felt better today, I was disgusted and skipped all of my afternoon classes to go to the gym. I ran about 7 miles and did an hour or so of lifting and strength. I'm still repulsed and disappointed in myself and probably didn't burn off all I needed to.

Hanging out with A tonight and he wants to get frozen yogurt. I don't waaaaaaannnnnnt any! I know it's not terrible calorie wise but I just don't. I always reject his offers to get food so I feel obligated... I have a phobia of going out to eat in public with boys I'm seeing. Girlfriends or guyfriends are fine, but not the guy I'm SEEING... I don't know why but I've always always HATED IT even with Loser Ex Boyfriend who I dated for three years. Tonight A better not try to be sexual because I'm just not feeling it. Warning: don't touch me. Hahaha poor A. What a cranky day.

Be safe all xx

Gum connoisseur

A while back I was at a coffee shop with some guys and my girlfriends D & C, who are two of my best friends. I live with D and S, S is my third soulmate in the female form :) ANYWAYS, at the coffee shop, C asked me for a piece of gum. "Lucky you, I just bought gum today! I have... let's see... Cinnamon, Watermelon, Apple Pie... Mint... maybe a few leftover pieces of Strawberry too..." 

I was completely unaware of how strange my collection would appear until it was too late. Bewildered, she chose a piece. I'm sure D & C exchanged worried conversation later. Get your starvation package, all for the low price of looking like a freak! Questionably extensive selections of gum included!

Down another pound today. I see my nurse practitioner this morning, the ED coordinator at school hunted me down and pressured an appointment. I'll have to tell her I didn't get my period again this month (nope, not pregs). The pathetic thing is I don't even weigh less, if anything I weigh a couple pounds more... It must just be the extremes of my diet beating my body down. I don't want to see her, I don't want to put the gown on and step backwards on the scale and pretend like I didn't just weigh myself an hour earlier.  

I promised a girlfriend from work I'd go out with her tonight and I'm already trying to figure out how to avoid the calories in the alcohol she'll want me to drink. I'll probably end up excusing myself to the bathroom and waste the expensive cup of liquid I just paid $5 for.

Lots of love

Insomnia & a weigh in

My body is having an affair with a dirty slut called insomnia and after a month of this ridiculousness it's really starting to take a toll on me. Last night I got about 3 hours of sleep. My mind is foggy this morning but I can't stop my racing thoughts or release the tension in my shoulders GAH.

Today I got out of bed to exercise but we're amidst a snowstorm here in Wisco, so walking to the gym like usual was out of the question. I ate popcorn last night when I couldn't sleep and I really wanted to burn it off today :( This picture made me ask myself: Why do I get up every morning and go through the motions of a typical person my age? Expectations? Expectations for success from family and friends, and ultimately to avoid the guilt that accompanies not meeting them. I don't get out of bed for myself. That's a somber realization. I'm such a mediocre pile of pooooooop if I didn't feel so obligated to my commitments I'm sure I would rot away in my bed forever and ever

 I decided to reward myself for 'good restriction' with a weigh in this morning (ironically it will probably act more like a punishment) but I'm going to go do that this very moment...

Anddddd down 4 lbs since declaring war. Not the best but I'll take it. WATCH OUT WORLD I'M GOING TO BE TINY TINY TINY.

Hope you're all happy today! Hug yourself from me :)

Do you go through life for yourself? What makes you get out of bed?

Insecurity will destroy you

The body is beautiful thing... countless functions, working harmoniously to enable life.... etc etc etc how freaking cool. There are colors and texture and sounds and endless capabilities and really, I think it's art.

Then whyyyyyyy do I DESPISE mine? I despise it more than sweet pickles, Bruno Mars and wet socks combined. (lol) Why do I only see beauty in thinness? My curves revolt me. In frustration, I always pinch the skin folds a little too hard and a little too long. I can feel my arms jiggle. My hips bulge. My stomach goes out instead of in. WHERE THE HELL IS MY THIGH GAP? My breasts are FAT. I feel HEAVY. This is GARBAGE. As I type, I'm sitting on a chair with my legs upon another. How many repulsive stomach rolls is this bend in my body making? 

I wish I could love my body, it would make loving myself a lot easier. My insecurities have destroyed something that should be beautiful :(

It's been about a week on anti-depressants and I feel no change, but I was told it could take around a month. I really like A, the boy I'm seeing. We've been seeing each other for around six weeks or so? He still doesn't know about my struggles, and I'm not sure when I'll share that with him. Today I've had a 100 calorie bottled Mocha from Starbucks and a handful of blackberries. It's 7 pm and I'm at the library with some apple tea and I MUST be productive so, goodnight :)

Hope everyone had a lovely start to their week! Do you think your insecurities have destroyed you? If so, do you think the damage is repairable?