ED Thoughts

I've met with a psychologist once a week over the past month. Each week she's given me an assignment concerning food, and each week I've failed. This week, she asked me to write down "ED Thoughts" when I recognize them. I don't recognize them unless I sit down and sort them in my mind, which I did a few times over the week. I have a pretty big list. I'm going to go through them and choose a few that strike me.

1. That girl is so thin and beautiful. Do you look that thin? No. You need to get there, you'll be much more attractive.

2. Being thin is a requirement of being ladylike.

3. Good thing you're so busy this afternoon and won't be able to eat, you're hungry and otherwise you probably would.

4. Restricting makes you motivated and productive. Eating makes you lazy.

5. Restricting makes you feel euphoric and accomplished. Eating makes you feel depressed and guilty, like a failure.

6. The doctor mentioned a slight weight gain, do not eat anymore today.

7. That picture of you from a few months ago is absolutely appalling, you can never get back to that point under any circumstances.

8. If getting your period means gaining weight back, I never want to get it again.

Weird to see my thoughts written out, they feel different in text than they do in my head. Not necessarily in a negative way like my psychologist is probably hoping they'd feel. #5 applies today, day two of staying around 300 calories and I actually have a FEELING right now, of contentment and satisfaction.

Superwoman

Today I was superwoman: woke up, made coffee, (ate a handful leftover popcorn from roomie... hmph) took my prescriptions. Put on a real outfit. Went to class. Came back home, cleaned the kitchen, my bathroom, and my bedroom. Washed my sheets and clothes. Went to my second class. Did e-mail and business for an hour and a half. Went to my third class. Came home and watched some television. Ran five miles :) Went to the library for a few hours to do homework (Starbucks... no whip and skim milk) came home, ate a 60 calorie soup cup and 4 potato wedges. Now I am heading to sleep. Calorie total = about 440. Burned about 700 running. Too afraid to weigh myself, I will on Thursday morning.

I really think restriction brings structure and discipline and motivation into my life.

Guilty Consumption

Something I find very unsettling is that it will be a VERY long time, if ever, that I can consume any food without guilt. I honestly can't take pleasure in eating anymore. Consumption is always followed by a rush of negative feelings.

Other than a few exceptions, like lettuce or raspberries, I haven't eaten a THING in the last two months without the accompaniment of disgust, disappointment, guilt, or anxiety. Today for example, it was about 7:30 p.m and all I had consumed for the day was a 100 calorie instant cappuccino thing. I wasn't hungry but I was weak and had to play volleyball at 9. I was at the mall with a friend, so we went to the food court and my options were EXTREMELY limited. I ended up getting a mushroom melt on a whole wheat bun (320-340)? And ugh, that killed me. All night I've been obsessively regretting eating the stupid sandwich, knowing I could've gotten by on 100 calories instead.

Taking a step back, I'm realizing how many different negative emotions this introduced into my life and how often I'm experiencing them. No wonder I'm a moody mess :)

EDIT: Alsoooo I am a disaster physically.
- horrible cough after any exercise that keeps me up all night... Last couple of weeks (asthma symptom? What the hell...)
- the very back of the right side of my mouth is throbbing and tender and I can't swallow without pain? Exponentially getting worse?
- officially did not get my period (and pregnancy is impossible)

:( eh

DISGUST

I am so ashamed I'm not even going to share my weight. Since Friday I have gained a disgusting, horrifying amount of weight and I absolutely am freaking out. I can not relax a muscle in my entire body. How did this happen :( All I want to do is cry and sleep. Physically I have a knot in my stomach and I feel nervous, like the feeling before a big exam. I've been avoiding this two letter  word because it sounds immature and is sometimes difficult to take seriously, but I just wanna scream EWWWW. Ew ew ew ew I suck. Maybe this is what I need to get serious and get under 115. Ugh I am so so frustrated and filled with self-loathing and actual horror. My response when I looked at the scale can most accurately be described as HORROR. I guess that's what four days of free reign gets me. I ate guilt free knowing I had to go up for the doctor but this..... Ugh.

I am incredibly disappointed in myself. WHAT THE HELL. Pleasing a doctor is not worth this at all. AT ALL.

Broken Immune System

Such a rough weekend. This is the third (or fourth...?) weekend in a row I've gotten sick. Too sick to go out with my friends, too sick to look decent for work, and too sick to do homework. I sleep all day long, shuffle around my apartment and eat for 6 hours or so in between naps, and then sleep all night. I'm assuming it's from restricting all week, and my body collapsing when the weekend comes. But it's exhausting and it's really messing me up. My life is a disaster right now because I did NOTHING all weekend. My immune system is broken :(

Don't wanna see the scale. Going to eat lettuce and lemon juice and tea only today. Wednesday I see my primary care doctor and if I'm down from 117 she said I can't play volleyball anymore, and she's going to try to increase my calories even more. I can't even handle it right now. So basically I need to be between 117 and 120 in order to satisfy the doctor while keeping myself from going insane. 

Doctor Appointment #2

Doctor appointment number two today. Last week's assignment was to eat 800 calories a day and stop logging. 800 lead to 1500 lead to a binge on Sunday and I was extremely down about it, so I went back to restricting the rest of the week. And with restricting comes logging. So I basically flunked my goals for the week, and the doctor was not happy when I weighed 3.5 lbs less than last Friday. Her expectations are unreasonable and way too fast in my opinion, and I know she only has the best intentions in mind and she's incredibly sweet. But she can't expect me to drop everything so fast. Not to mention the fact I don't really want to.

She wants me to try to eat three meals a day and two snacks. Seriously? I eat one meal and one or two snacks a day. I can't do that all. And the 'meals' she described individually were like an entire day's worth to me. Just overwhelming and stressful and makes me feel anxious. I don't want to let her down but right now I'm too selfish to take her instruction.

117 today though, another new number to my eyes.

Vanity

I'm big on self-reflection, and lately I've been trying to figure out which element I can place the blame on for my world spiraling. (Obviously I know the blame is squarely on my shoulders, but I still have been trying to find which flaw in particular began this.)

I'm fairly certain vanity put the wheels in motion. Wanting to be like so-and-so, wishing I was skinnier like her, thinking I'd be much 'sexier' if I lost weight, believing he'd want me if I did. And for some reason, I'm not coming to the conclusion that the reason was low self-esteem, even though it sounds like it. I've always had low self-esteem since middle school. It was more than that though, it was the incredibly vain idea that I'd be 'pretty-ER' and 'sexy-ER' if I lost weight. I just wanted to be perfect, and better than everyone else. I don't know what flaw that came from in me, but I'm pairing it with vanity and my tendency to care FAR too much about my looks.

That being said, vanity is absolutely not in the picture anymore. So low on my list of priorities. Vanity may have started the obsession, but completely different attributes are fueling it: the control and power, the high/low of it all, the anxiety that comes from not following my habits, the sense of accomplishment, the secret, the pursuit of my goal. Although I am obviously concerned with my body, my body image doesn't even MAKE the list of elements the keep my habits perpetuating. Mind blowing.

I know not many people read this, but what began your struggle? What keeps it going?

Malnourished

Today I spotted, and I'm not on the pill. I've never spotted before. I'm supposed to have my period right now, but I have yet to get it, and today I spotted. That's a pretty serious sign of being malnourished I think? I have a disgusting reaction of satisfaction either way, like I'm doing things right. My logic is so disturbed, and I know it, yet have no want or intention to fix it. No period... so weird.

I've never been able to fast before so I'm not sure why I thought this week would be any different? Today I had a cup of coffee with 2 tbsp creamer, some Boston lettuce with lemon juice, half an apple with 1 tbsp peanut butter, and a small cluster of grapes. I feel guilty about the peanut butter :( 

Do you ever hate yourself?

Do you? I do right now. I've been in a depressive slump the last few days. I binged very hard and can't recover from the emotional effects from it. The weather has shifted dramatically and the days are cold and dark. I'm going to bomb my first exam tomorrow. I need to break things off with a boy. I'm behind in the at-home responsibilities of my second job. I've been sick and exhausted for almost two weeks now. I'm cold especially right now, and empty is the most adequate word to describe how I feel.

And there are definitely days where everything is very beautiful and wonderful and bright, just not today, or yesterday, or the day before that or the day before that :) Going to make some coffee and power through the rest of today, I'm going to try to water/coffee/tea fast through the rest of the weekdays. Hope your day is going better than mine and you are smiling!

Parents

My parents visited me for the first time since the semester started yesterday afternoon. They noticed how much weight I've lost and my mom pulled me aside and asking if I was making myself throw it up. I said no. Which isn't a lie... My dad asked me what I weighed and I lied and said I didn't know. Then I had to run into my bathroom and hide my scale, they don't know I bought one.

It was really strange to see my parents this time compared to other times they've visited the previous year. I felt extremely grown up and self-reliant. I guess I've had to be the last few months since my dad lost his job. Out of all the places to go to eat, my mom wanted TGIFriday's. They have a symbol by all the meals containing less than 750 calories, like this is some health feat or something? GROSS. I had a house salad and said I wasn't very hungry.

She brought me an entire pan of apple cobbler. Fuck apple cobbler, that's all I'm going to say.

BMI is absurd

So being 118 and 5'7" is on the very edge of being 'underweight' according to the BMI and that is effing ridiculous. I still have huge thighs and a tummy and look no where NEAR under weight. DUMB

EDIT: So that was my tantrum while in the doctor's office earlier. I'm so so so upset about what's happening. Like I mentioned before, I mentioned to my counselor here that I was having eating 'concerns' and she really pushed me, to my dismay, to see who I thought was an ED doctor, but is actually just a regular primary care doctor. The 'ED coordinator' of the health center called me and got the gist of my eating habits and paired me with this primary care doctor. Saw her today. I guess my last weight on a health record was 132, or 134, not sure, and that was August 24th or something. So that's 15 lbs ishhhh. Anyways, the primary care doctor did a bunch of tests on me and then said she was really worried about me losing weight that quickly, that I'm probably losing muscle which deposits protein, which is bad for the organs. (I have stage 3 chronic kidney disease so that's a no-no...)

Of course I understand the concern. I can't just stop. I seriously can't, I feel like this is holding me together and it has become so important to me. So, I bluntly told her I didn't want to stop. I told her I only wanted counseling for the mental aspect of it which is why, in my moment of weakness, I mentioned eating CONCERNS in the first place. I didn't want any of this. Now I have an appointment with a psychologist next week and I have to meet with this primary care doctor once a week. I'm freaking out. I don't know how to get out of it. The ED coordinator and this doctor are incredibly caring and sweet, and worried about me, and they know my e-mail, school account, classes, etc. I can't just run. She told me this week she wants me to eat 800 calories a day and I broke down crying. She told me I need to tell my parents. She told me if I don't, she might have to.

That's not even legal WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. Like I said, my BMI is borderline underweight, which isn't even underweight, this shouldn't be a problem, I don't want this. I. Do. Not. Want. This. I just want to cry and scream. I feel helpless.

DOUBLE EDIT: If anyone cares about my actual life, today blows. I'm in the worst mood, all I wanna do is cry. I feel very chubby today, and I'm really sick with some sort of viral infection. I have to bartend tonight 9-close, so around 3 a.m. And I'm just lonely and anxious and sad. And I don't even have my weight to be happy about today because I feel huge.

Happy Humpday :)

120.4 lbs
Happy Wednesday!

The key to not eating is to keep busy. I had a crazy busy day: Class until 11, showered and power cleaned the apartment, worked with my kiddos 1:30-5:30, did some returns to the mall, and didn't eat a bite until about 20 minutes ago, 7:00. Today was easy and wonderful. I've been dizzy upon standing more than usual the last couple of weeks, and this morning I was light headed for a good half hour, which was weird. I had some lemon water and slowed down and it went away.

Same weight as yesterday unfortunately, but I ate a lot of salty things yesterday so it's possibly water weight. For today I've had:
Cup of coffee with 3 tbsp creamer, 90 cal <- That's an annoying calorie expense, I need to get some low-fat creamer
1/2 can of light Minestrone Multi Grain Soup, 60 cal
Small salad of Boston Bibb lettuce with lemon juice and salt, 15 cal ish?

And now I am off to play some intramural volleyball so yay for exercise! Hope whoever is reading is having a lovely week. Such a good mood today, I feel functional and light and strong.

Blueberry Waffles

I ate a relatively large dinner. One half of a wheat bun with four slices of portabella mushrooms, some diced peppers, and a tbsp. or olive oil. Along with that, half an apple with a tbsp. of peanut butter. (300ish calories). I was bursting with fullness and felt as though I'd eaten too much, and had a few moments of panic wanting to purge. (Still can't bring myself to.)

My roommate just made blueberry toaster waffles. And they smell so good. And my stomach is yelling at me, I can feel it, saying it's hungry. At the same time, the smell is making me sick. And angry. And the thought of putting it in my mouth is truly disturbing.

....The smell of blueberry waffles has upset me enough to stop writing my paper that's due in 1 hour and 37 minutes to come vent about it.

No Control

My intake didn't stop at the foods I listed yesterday, it was absolutely ridiculous how little control I had over myself.  How have I allowed myself to let food control me? When I binge I'm doing it for the sake of binging. It's as though because I restrict so severely, when my day is turning into a binge day, I just go co-co bananas. Yesterday honestly may have been the worst binge I've had yet.

Today, I'm not going to weigh myself because I'm scared of what I'll see. I'll save that play date for tomorrow. At least I am 100% motivated today! It's about noon and I've consumed a half spoon of low fat natural peanut butter. I can practically feel the fat on my body from yesterday's weakness. Is that even possible? I don't know, but that's how I feel. And when I look in the mirror I just want to scream.

I began these habits with an average weight, and I have lost 10 lbs in the last three weeks (slow, right? That's what I get for binging) and I'm still considered average. I want to be below average. Another 10 lbs would be ideal, but I haven't weighed that since I was entering middle school. Obviously I know that's not healthy but that's what I want deep down, and I feel like I'll be happy and confident and complete and pretty and right and fixed.

None of that is probably true, though.