Something I find very unsettling is that it will be a VERY long time, if ever, that I can consume any food without guilt. I honestly can't take pleasure in eating anymore. Consumption is always followed by a rush of negative feelings.
Other than a few exceptions, like lettuce or raspberries, I haven't eaten a THING in the last two months without the accompaniment of disgust, disappointment, guilt, or anxiety. Today for example, it was about 7:30 p.m and all I had consumed for the day was a 100 calorie instant cappuccino thing. I wasn't hungry but I was weak and had to play volleyball at 9. I was at the mall with a friend, so we went to the food court and my options were EXTREMELY limited. I ended up getting a mushroom melt on a whole wheat bun (320-340)? And ugh, that killed me. All night I've been obsessively regretting eating the stupid sandwich, knowing I could've gotten by on 100 calories instead.
Taking a step back, I'm realizing how many different negative emotions this introduced into my life and how often I'm experiencing them. No wonder I'm a moody mess :)
EDIT: Alsoooo I am a disaster physically.
- horrible cough after any exercise that keeps me up all night... Last couple of weeks (asthma symptom? What the hell...)
- the very back of the right side of my mouth is throbbing and tender and I can't swallow without pain? Exponentially getting worse?
- officially did not get my period (and pregnancy is impossible)
:( eh
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