My intake didn't stop at the foods I listed yesterday, it was absolutely ridiculous how little control I had over myself. How have I allowed myself to let food control me? When I binge I'm doing it for the sake of binging. It's as though because I restrict so severely, when my day is turning into a binge day, I just go co-co bananas. Yesterday honestly may have been the worst binge I've had yet.
Today, I'm not going to weigh myself because I'm scared of what I'll see. I'll save that play date for tomorrow. At least I am 100% motivated today! It's about noon and I've consumed a half spoon of low fat natural peanut butter. I can practically feel the fat on my body from yesterday's weakness. Is that even possible? I don't know, but that's how I feel. And when I look in the mirror I just want to scream.
I began these habits with an average weight, and I have lost 10 lbs in the last three weeks (slow, right? That's what I get for binging) and I'm still considered average. I want to be below average. Another 10 lbs would be ideal, but I haven't weighed that since I was entering middle school. Obviously I know that's not healthy but that's what I want deep down, and I feel like I'll be happy and confident and complete and pretty and right and fixed.
None of that is probably true, though.
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