I'm big on self-reflection, and lately I've been trying to figure out which element I can place the blame on for my world spiraling. (Obviously I know the blame is squarely on my shoulders, but I still have been trying to find which flaw in particular began this.)
I'm fairly certain vanity put the wheels in motion. Wanting to be like so-and-so, wishing I was skinnier like her, thinking I'd be much 'sexier' if I lost weight, believing he'd want me if I did. And for some reason, I'm not coming to the conclusion that the reason was low self-esteem, even though it sounds like it. I've always had low self-esteem since middle school. It was more than that though, it was the incredibly vain idea that I'd be 'pretty-ER' and 'sexy-ER' if I lost weight. I just wanted to be perfect, and better than everyone else. I don't know what flaw that came from in me, but I'm pairing it with vanity and my tendency to care FAR too much about my looks.
That being said, vanity is absolutely not in the picture anymore. So low on my list of priorities. Vanity may have started the obsession, but completely different attributes are fueling it: the control and power, the high/low of it all, the anxiety that comes from not following my habits, the sense of accomplishment, the secret, the pursuit of my goal. Although I am obviously concerned with my body, my body image doesn't even MAKE the list of elements the keep my habits perpetuating. Mind blowing.
I know not many people read this, but what began your struggle? What keeps it going?
I envy your ability for self reflection, that's a good thing to have.
ReplyDeleteI've never really thought about these questions.
what began it? insecurity, I was influenced by the people I chose to hang out with to be very materialistic and 'all about looks', which made me change...everything of who I was.
what keeps it going? probably sense of 'control' or insecurity, it's been so long I don't know who or what I would be without it
Self-reflection and journaling have managed to keep me sane through everything :) You should try journaling!
DeleteIf you don't mind me asking, how long have you been struggling?
I should, I know I should too. So I started a blog for me -close enough haha
DeleteI don't mind at all, I need imposing on. ED wise it stared when I was around 10 but became serious around the age of 13, I'm currently 20.
As I was reading this post I was finding it more and more similar to what I am/have been going through. For me it all started with body image. I was never happy with how I looked and would always be upset after I ate a lot. Then one day I decided to do something about it. Then I developed my eating disorder, and lost 35 pounds to weigh 97lbs. I've been in treatment for around a year now and while I think body image still does play a big role in my eating disorder, some of your other reasons apply to me too: the power of being "better" then everyone else, having something that sets me apart, having a saftey net for my weight staying low, the huge sense of control, the habits, etc. These seemingly positives make it so hard to see the negatives and I'm so tired of constantly fighting a battle inside my head (do I want to get better or stay sick?).
ReplyDeleteYour situation is strikingly similar, even down to the numbers. I'm nowhere near 97, but a similar start point. I feel like if it weren't for the other elements, body image wouldn't be enough to perpetuate it you know? Stay strong, know you're not alone. That battle overpowers every aspect of my life as well.
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