I am just so sick of my body, so uncomfortable in my skin. I want to trade it in for a better one. GIVE ME A NEW ONE.
I'm living by guilt. My roommate/best friend now pays attention to calories. God that makes me feel sick. I don't think she'll fall into this like I have, but the fact that I took away her freedom makes me hate myself. I pray pray pray that's as far as things go for her. I'm guilty my roommates have to worry about me, and my doctors, and my parents. That's not fair. They didn't do anything to deserve having to deal with my issues. I want to tell my kiddos at the center to love themselves, and their bodies, and I do, but I know I'm being extremely hypocritical and it makes me feel guilty. I'm not doing my schoolwork. (guilty) I'm not as thoughtful about others. (guilty) I'm letting my relationships slide away. (guilty) I'm not going to church or praying at all anymore. (guilty) AND DESPITE ALL OF THESE NEGATIVES, I'M NOT LOSING ANY WEIGHT. NEW BODY NOW PLEASE.
And if I can't have a new body, I'd like to pause the rest of the world until I get to where I'm satisfied. Then life can resume. Unrealistic wishes :)
Happy Thursday, hope your thoughts are lovelier than mine.
Edit: My psychologist and primary care doctor talked and want to put me on anti-depressants. Thoughts? I have no idea what to do.
I'm on anti depressants. It really is a matter of finding the right one for you. I went through several before we found a good one for me. I like the idea of a pause button. That would be a wonderful invention. Stay strong sweetie.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I wish it was that easy, like buying an outfit online. Thinner and taller for me please.
ReplyDeleteHaving an ed gives me a heightened awareness of well ed stuff. Or maybe just paranoia.
It's good in the sense that you can identify warning signs in others, but I don't think it is entirely your fault. Guilt is an tricky thing it works as a positive but also a negative.
hmm antidepressants, I've never been on any medications, but it is one of the main reasons I have not sought professional help. I don't know.
How do you feel about it? Do you think it will help, are you open to that kind of treatment? Are you feeling like you are at that point where you need something extra to help? Whatever you decide if it doesn't work or feel right you can always change it.
Do what's best for you, all my love xx
It's all about finding the right one, and the right dose. It will more than likely take several tries before you find the right one so if you decide to go through with it you need to prepare yourself for that. Things won't get better instantly, but with time they will get easier.
ReplyDeleteI just love the pause idea. There's so many things I'd like to change! I also understand the guilt thing. I'm constantly bombarded with guilt. I'm not sure how to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteMy mum was on anti-depressants and she hated them. I guess that has made me avoid them like the plague, but they help so many people so they can't be that bad. Keep fighting xx
dont let them put u on drugs ive tried over 5 and none of them have worked the side effects are awful and if u dont feel like taking them the withdrawal is awful too
ReplyDeletestay away as best u can from them
and no one brings an eating disorder on themselves its not ur fault ur ill so dont feel guilty
ur struggling and they just care about you
xx
I know this is just a statistic.... But anti-depressants are effective at treating about 70% of cases of depression. Placebo is effective 60% of the time, giving antidepressants approximately a 10% chance of actually being effective.
ReplyDeleteAnti-depressants can be helpful, but whenever taking a chemical substance you should always consider what it could do to your body. And also consider the highly dependent nature of antidepressants. If left untreated, most depression WILL actually subside (something the pharmaceutical commercials don't tell you) but if you feel suicidal or depression creeps in to the point of debilitation, medication may be a better alternative. But you also want to accept the reality that once you are on them, you stand little chance of ever coming off. Especially if you have been on them for 7 or more years.
You should also consider the drug mechanism. Drugs only do one of two things: stimulate or inhibit. And even though depression is treated as a disease, it is most often (new evidence is leading to always) a symptom of another underlying problem (nutrient deficiency, adrenal problems, neurological imbalance, chronic Lyme, the list goes on) So I wouldn't jump on the drug train too quickly.
The choice is ultimately between you and your doctor, but personally I would seek out other options first. But I tend toward a more conservative approach to medicine anyway.
That's just my two cents.
Hey! I just wanted to let you know I sent you an email with my cell phone number. Text me whenever =)
ReplyDelete