"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." - Nora Ephron
Am I being the heroine of my life or the victim? I think most people would reflect and say "Yeah, I do tend to think everything bad is happening to me, and my struggles are the worst, etc etc, maybe I should be positive and do something about it, be the hero."
Of course, I applied this quote to ED in my life. The problem is, I DON'T consider myself a victim. When it comes to ED, I feel like a hero. I feel like I'm taking charge, taking action, and changing my life for myself. ED hasn't victimized me, I'm in control of ED. I'm the hero. If anything, ED is the victim. Going back to separating my thoughts, logically this is an ED thought. Doesn't feel like it though, and I don't see it that way.
Today my roomie/best friend was in the kitchen and called me out of my room to reach something for her. I got up and walked about 10 ft to the cabinet, got it out, and extended my arm to hand it to her. Suddenly I started leaning back, I couldn't see, and I was shaking and leaning, for a good 6 seconds or something. I often get dizzy spells when I restrict, but I've never had something like this. It was actually really scary, I could feel myself going in and out. The worst part is that my roommate was 1 ft from me, seeing it all happen in horror. She then accused me of not eating lately, and I could tell she was mad as she walked out of the kitchen. A while back she and my other roommate/best friend confronted me about my eating habits, and I admitted I was having a little bit of a problem. Since then, it hasn't been brought up, I haven't lost very much, and I've more importantly learned how to hide it. So for her to accuse me of not eating, and get frustrated with me, is really upsetting. I'll have to work harder at hiding it. I know it's because she cares but it's just another stressor.
Hope everyone is having a lovely day.
When that happens to me I immediately re-hydrate with juice (ok usually not juice) but at least water and try to replenish with a banana or something, then make sure I stay hydrated from there on out. It helps.
ReplyDeleteThose sneaky warning signs, you cross your fingers and hope nobody catches on.
Be careful darling keep safe <3
You need to realize that at a certain point you can no longer hide it. This is the reason eating disorders alienate you, you end up, in a sense, hiding from the world. Try not to let this happen to you, it's very lonely<3
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the courage to tell my friends at least, but I don't think they'd understand, and I think it might alienate me even more. It's scary. Thanks for the sweet words :)
DeleteSweetheart, anorexia is not something that you want to let win. You can still eat and be thin! I am an anorexic in recovery and I'm finding that I need a lot of calories to actually GAIN weight - sometimes I've even continued losing it. You are clearly and in intelligent, beautiful woman. Don't let this illness beat you, there is a better life out there, involving food. It won't happen over night, but I believe you can do it :)
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself xxx
I'm having a horrible day and this actually made me choke up, I'm a sap. Thank you so much though I appreciate the sweet words :) You stay strong too!
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