Push Push Push

The past three weeks, I've fluctuated the same damn four pounds :( I haven't dropped at all. My obsessing, anxiety, starvation, and binging has lead me in a depressing circle. When this started I lost so quickly... why am I stuck here now?

I'm extra motivated to push myself this week to see results. I hate this weight. I hate this weight! I like the way my clothes feel. I like the way my legs look. But I'm not happy, and I want more gone, I need more gone. Otherwise I'll continue to feel like I have the last three weeks: mediocre, mundane, unsuccessful, wasted. While I'm excited I somehow mustered this extra ambition (since ambition elsewhere in my life has gone out the window) I'm stressed and guilt-ridden about seeing my doctor/psychologist/nutritionist. I'll cancel the appointments and deal with it later. I refuse to tackle the idea of gaining right now, so naturally I'm going in the opposite direction (sarcasm). I can't possibly gain without wanting to abandon my body altogether. 

Today I've had two cups of plain tea, a diet Snapple tea (10 cals), 2 pickle spears (5 cals each), and a 1/2 container of raspberries (10-20 cals). 40 calories altogether. I'm good right now, and fairly confident I'll go to bed without adding to the count. Probably the lowest I've ever restricted so that's kinda exciting. 

I think I'm going to start sharing pictures as is appropriate. I'm really happy with this picture, I still think it's somehow made me look thinner than I actually am, but it's the skinniest my legs have looked in ages (probably because my thighs are covered....) Either way it's a happy thing for me. I know I'm opening up a window for criticism by sharing, but hopefully we can all remember judgement is a big contributor to why many of us are here to begin with. I just can actually notice a difference in myself! It rocks.

lol at my messy bathroom

I was asked to a formal dance/dinner thing with a guy who rooms with one of my best guy friends, I barely know him. It was fun to get ready and dance, I drank for the first time in forever and ended up sleeping at his place and doing things I wish I hadn't. Made me feel super crappy, and I spent Sunday looking at art online, crying, and eating, obviously. I hate myself sometimes. I've been pushing boys away emotionally for so long, when I do something like this, it's really destructive to my mental state. Sigh. I'm the worst.

...Happy Monday :)