Right now I'm so incredibly ANGRY. I'm just a moody disaster, please compare yesterday's post to this one to see how manic I'm being. I'm sorry for the profanity here but it's really all I can think of. I was at 165 cal at 6 pm and then around 8 had a mini binge. Threw up what I could. And now I can't focus on my huge project due tomorrow, I just am so disappointed at myself. So ANGRY at myself. So ANGRY I feel like this. FUCK THIS DAY.
Fuck you to A for saying I had a beer belly in eighth grade.
Fuck you to K for saying I had thunder thighs sophomore year during volleyball practice.
Fuck you to M for saying I had gained weight over the semester last year.
Fuck you to S for saying my legs were thick this past August.
These were all comments that were word-vomited up, quickly realized to be offensive, and attempted to be covered by 'I'm just kidding!'. No. Fuck you. Saying these comments out loud to my psychologist made me cry for the entire session, which is so silly. Those words are meaningless. For whatever reason they cut me deep. And finally, a huge, gigantic, FUCKKKK YOUUUUU to myself for letting this happen and being so weak and so huge and such a failure mess and slowly ruining everything.
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PS: I don't blame these people at all, it's 100% my own fault, I just have pent up anger and keep thinking about how much those statements hurt when they shouldn't at all and how stupid I'm being.
F them all! Dear you have a right to be angry, words are so powerful and people just do not seem to comprehend That. It's not silly or weak to express that anger, you've buried it for far too long. Be kind to yourself it is not your fault. Love you sweet pea, you are so beautiful. Take care ok xx
ReplyDeleteHow rude! I would be freaking pissed if anyone told me these things, but I just figured out I was fat by myself. Or maybe people said it indirectly to me? Some skinny girls in 8th grade in middle school, the year I got anorexia (now I've developed to more of a binge eater), said they looked fat. They didn't do anything about it themselves, or they didn't lose noticeable amount of weight, but spoke loudly about how you should lose weight: only 500 calories a day and spinning until you fainted. I felt that they were talking to me, so I started. I was anorexic, was force-fed, gained weight, binged a lot, got heavier than my starting point, and now I've tried losing weight for a year. I'm not a recovered anorexic, because I didn't even get sufficient help.
ReplyDeleteTake care
i am sorry hun. I hope you got your project done. I don't blame anyone for my problems, but i def think many people played a role in them ah ha.
ReplyDeletexoxo
ps thanks for the tip about the turkey franks
Don't be too hard on yourself!!! Just breathe through it. You're totally allowed to release your pent up anger about these comments as well! They were hurtful, I'm not sure how anyone would have thought that they would be funny! I remember someone told me I looked better when I was "thick". Wtf does THAT mean?
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