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| Photo by Laura Zelenga |
Before this, I never would've found her body attractive. Now, I find this beautiful, inspiring... I want it.
I have an intense fascination cultivating: bones. I want them to be visible, I want to be able to feel them through my skin, I want them to be as exposed as possible. I want to be frail and delicate. My entire life I have been unsatisfied with my body, but this image was never an appealing one. Interesting how ED changes everything.
Somehow, 'sick' has been transformed into 'beautiful' and something I desire. I've dropped a bra cup size, and I couldn't be happier about it. I'm literally starving away my femininity, and finding it strangely rewarding.
Zac Brown Band played at a venue in Madison last night, and they came to the bar I work at after the show. After we closed, the band stayed and the employees got to drink with them. Zac actually convinced me to take a body shot, and out of drunkeness I allowed it to happen... he told me my body was beautiful. At the time I believed him, funny how alcohol makes you vulnerable. Today when I remembered that happened, I started crying knowing my coworkers and people in general saw my stomach exposed. God that's appalling, I'm embarrassing. I hate my bodyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
i feel the same there is a fragility to seeing bones that ur literally starving to the point where there isnt any fat just skin and bone and our ed loves to see that
ReplyDeletei wouldnt say u were vulnerable maybe more bold and brave your body must be beautiful for someone else to say it but drinking with work mates is never a good thing :(
dont cry honey we all share the same hatred we will get thru it together
much love
xx
First off let me say, OMG you are so freaking lucky you got to meet them. They are one of my absolute favorite bands. Secondly, bones are something our eating disorders crave. When you actually get there, it's scary. Trust me. I was nothing but bones and I was close to death. I'm 10lbs heavier now and they are not as visable. My eating disorder hates it. Tells me all the time how I'm fat. And at times I still do crave them. Don't cry sweetie. It will be ok.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
So desirable, so lovely, so easily obtained through self-hatred.
ReplyDeletekeep safe xx