"If you knew me... ...the scary and damaged may actually be more than you can handle."
- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy
I know I'm far from having severe ED in my life, and things could be far, far worse for me than they are now. I'm somewhat healthy, I have supportive parents, a few good friends, jobs, aspirations, school, etc.... However, I'm starting to realize I'm seeing myself as 'scary and damaged'. What person would possibly want to deal with the things going on in my life right now?
What boy wants to date a girl that has to be looking up calories on her phone when they go out to eat? What girl wants to be friends with someone who isn't confident enough to look people in the eye? Who would ever want to nurture any sort of relationship with someone who is sick, depressed, and starving themselves? I can see people giving up on me. People ask me to do something, I respond that I have too much to do or I'm too tired. They try again, similar outcome.
I see myself as a package too scary, damaged, and overwhelming for anyone to take on. So instead, I'm hiding myself away and pushing those trying to reach me. I know I shouldn't, and severing these interactions are just making things worse. But I'm scary and I'm damaged. No one deserves to deal with that except for me.
Being home this weekend absolutely sucked, not even going to look at the scale. I'm wayyy too tired today to hate myself.
because they see past the illness and see you for who u are
ReplyDeletemuch love
no one is ever too damaged to be loved
xx
Darling I love you for all of who you are, and I think you will find the same from others around you, if you allow it.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful as you are, take care xx
Finding supportive enough people to stick around when you are deep in your ed is extremely hard. I have been lucky in this last year or so and have found supportive people. But I've also lost a lot of people to my ed. I hope you can keep your head up. You're not damaged sweetie.
ReplyDeleteXOXO