Uncomfortable

THIS IS HOW I FEEL. I hope you understand, there aren't really words.

Since I was maybe 13, I've been paranoid about people talking behind my back and judging me. Freshman year of high school, I felt targeted and pushed away from the peers I most wanted acceptance from. When I realized they didn't like me, I started being meticulously aware of their actions when I was around: the glances, expressions, tones, the way I could see them talk to one another across the room and shift their eyes towards me. I hated it. My self-esteem diminished while self-doubt moved in and never left. This paranoia lead to a serious mis-trust in everyone, even my best friends.

I would search my parents' drawers for who knows what. As a junior in high school I watched my boyfriend type his Facebook password so later I could scour his messages. At one of my jobs, where I bartend, I was watching two people conversing and they both glanced at me, so I assumed they were talking about me. Positive or negative, who knows, but I do know my stomach dropped immediately and I had to go to the bathroom to check my appearance. NEVER have my intentions been nosiness, I've just been persuaded over time that everyone I know has something bad to say about me.

I'm so uncomfortable with myself... That's the only word to use. I'm not sure why I'm writing about this today, I've just realized how petrified of judgement I am. I act confident, and put myself out there, but the entire time I experience stress that lies dangerous close to my breaking point. Perhaps that intense pressure is how I miraculously succeed as often as I do. Uncomfortable.

Weight: back to my ultimate low today, pushhhhing through this week. Pushpushpush. I can do this. I ran 5 miles by interval training in around 55 minutes. Felt awesome.

The photo above is by Elena Kalis, I strongly encourage you to check out her work. So much beauty it hurts a little.

 Elena Kalis's Website

Happy Humpday :)