I'm writing this because I don't feel like doing my homework that was due yesterday. And yesterday's due date was an extension from not turning it in two weeks ago, so that makes it double late.... Oops. I rolled out of bed and saw my nurse practitioner today, I see her weekly. Since I have a kidney disease, ED could potentially be very damaging, so apparently it's necessary to check in on me every week. She's in contact with my psychologist who I also see weekly. I'm back to my ultimate low weight (yay) and she was notttttt happy, I think I sensed pity from her.
ANYWAYS, she very bluntly told me the facts of the situation and her opinion concerning everything. To summarize her lecture:
1. Outpatient treatment has not been working and my ED has progressed abnormally quickly behaviorally/mentally, averagely physically.
2. I will not pass my classes next semester if it keeps up.
3. My kidneys will be irreversibly damaged, leading to prednisone (steroid treatment which I've already been on, worst time period of my life) or some other intense meds, a biopsy, and/or eventual failure.
4. Over Christmas break I should do several days of inpatient treatment followed by intensive outpatient.
While she explained this all to me, I stared at her legs and thought about how much I envied the fact her thighs are smaller than mine. Then I was pissed that the person monitoring my eating disorder is thinner than I am because that makes me suck at being disordered. I am SO NOT ANYWHERE NEAR THIN ENOUGH FOR TREATMENT. Nooooooo thanks. If I lose A LOT more and I'm still unsatisfied THEN we can talk.
EDIT: It's like three hours later and I still haven't done anything. Whattttttt the hell is wrong with me. All I want to do is read about calories and workouts and make goal weights and rewards and live in a stupid weird bubble. Now I'm all emotional, upset, and anxious.
I should be blossoming right now, I should be pushing myself and achieving and being extraordinary. Instead, I'm hiding from life, shielding myself behind this stupid eating disorder bullshit. It's WEIGHT. It's my physical BODY. It's FOOD. It's my OUTTER APPEARANCE why do I care so much? That makes me vain and selfish and shallow. I'm irresponsible and wasting air and people's emotions and time. And lately I have this horrible re-occuring thought "Who could possibly love this" because the scary and damaged factor is steadily increasing. I just want to be tiny tiny tiny so I actually look like I have ED and I don't feel like a fraud and a loser and I'll be happy and I can disappear and sink away and feel my bones and be breakable.
I want someone to hold me tell me stories so I don't have to talk at all.
This is the part where I wish I could take it away from you, not in pity, but just knowing that you deserve more and deserve better. Even if it meant my life in return, it would be worth it.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay not to be worried about superficial things, life is so much more then that.
I love you, hope you are doing okay, and pray things turn out for the better. xxxx
you can always contact me if needed <3
ps Here is my email. For what it's worth, sending you a big hug. I was going to clarify what I was talking about above... But I'm actually not certain what I ment haha hopefully it was relevant.
DeleteForgot this haha, melrose024@hotmail.com don't feel obliged.
DeleteGosh, I can relate to you in so many ways. We all worry about what we look like. What other people think of us. And we all have fallen into the eating disorder which makes us think we will never be good enough for society. I'm always here to talk to sweetie.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Don't feel obligated to participate, but I nominated you for another Liebster.
ReplyDelete