I was going to save this rant for my personal writing journal, but I can't find it...? Somewhat worrisome, I hope no one sees it and reads it.
The reason I wasn't going to blog this is because it's so typical and boring of an ED blog but I really have to get my thoughts down and organized. I feel so FAT right now. Ugh. I ate SO MUCH when I was home this past weekend. Today I restricted, worked out, then stopped at friend's for her birthday. Told myself I wouldn't eat. Ate... ate a TON. Of chocolate and cake and bread. I ran to the bathroom to purge after, did a small amount once, but knew I had to get out before my roommate who had come with me noticed. AND I didn't even restrict all of the weekdays the last week. I was finally at a new low for weight and I let it slip so fast and so far. I haven't weighed myself, I seriously can't handle the emotions that will accompany the number I'm estimating.
I feel horrible though. So so so heavy and gross and fat and unattractive. Just laden with self-loathing. Goals this week:
1. Restrict! Under 500 calories. If I go over, I have to exercise the amount doubled off.
2. Eat regularly. New strategy to keep from binging. This consumption will occur as a 'lunch' and a 'night snack' and will only be lettuce and/or berries.
3. Follow my training plan. I decided to keep myself from compulsive exercising, I should try to stick to a plan. I found a half marathon plan for beginners that seems completely doable.
4. No junk foods. If I ate 100 calories and it's 8 pm, that does not warrant a disgusting candy bar. Don't be glutenous.
New ideas:
- Thinspo pictures everywhere
- Remind myself how much happier I am when I'm thin
I hate how I fluctuate between hating food, hating chewing food, hating the idea of food and then bouncing back to needing to limit myself because I want food. Why so inconsistent?
Sorry to waste your time with such a lame post.
it isnt a lame post dont apologise
ReplyDeletehaving an ED makes us all like this binge /purge self loathing making goals
dont be so hard on urself no one is perfect and all these targets u set urself are sometimes unachievable so dw we are all human
are u really happier when u are thin or do u just remember a time when ur happy and u were thinner?
u have to look to ur future the past is the past for a reason
allow yourself treats as these are the foods ur craving so factor them in ur diet plan so then u will feel less inclined to binge
we all love you despite what form ur posts come in to know that ur here and still posting is all we want
keep safe
much love always
xx
I think it's great that you wrote this in your blog. We all can relate to you in one way or another. Your new plan sounds good and I bet eating on a regular basis will help with the binging. I hope you see how beautiful you are someday.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
eating regularly will definitly help with the binging. I've been doing this and it has done wonders...now I'm just working on not purging:/ and don't apoligize for the post!! Most of us are here to vent, so vent away! <3
ReplyDelete